At the Tony Television Network, originality is our watchword. We refuse to torture our audience by rehashing the same tired plots over and over and over again. And let it never be said that we shy away from controversial subject matter by playing it safe and sticking to the same bland, inoffensive concepts. No way, José! Our commitment to the startling, the shocking, the never-before-seen, and the groundbreaking -- our commitment to you, the discriminating viewer, is best demonstrated by our fourth television movie event! The drama, the grandeur, the excitement, the novelty that you demand are all here in one gut-wrenching package that is destined to go down in history as one of the greatest films of all time, with undreamt-of cross-marketing possibilities! Nothing you have ever experienced could possibly prepare you for this feature-length drama! Merely burn into your brain this immortal tagline: A Long Time Ago, On an Island Far, Far Away…
HEAVEN’S WARRIORS
The story opens with an exciting car chase through the countryside of Northern Ireland as a 1977 Lotus Esprit sportscar is pursued by a British RAF Police truck. It is the autumn of 1978. The sportscar temporarily eludes its pursuers as it races through a small village. The driver slams on the brakes in front of the village pub, and a large St. Bernard leaps out of the passenger-side window. The driver, a beautiful dark-haired woman, commands the dog to “stay,” then roars off. The military truck speeds past a moment later, taking no notice of the dog sitting near the pub door. Further down the road, the truck finally catches up to the sportscar and forces it into a ditch. Soldiers leap out, guns drawn, and place the woman under arrest.
Later, as she is interrogated at an RAF base, we learn that she is Lady Leah O’Grady, and is suspected of conducting espionage for the Provisional Irish Republican Army (IRA). She remains defiant, despite the cold, intimidating demeanor of her asthmatic captor, Group Captain Garth Eder. He accuses her of stealing the blueprints for a new bomber the RAF is testing at the base, but she responds with only wisecracks and mockery. He orders her taken back to her detention cell, and promises her she will regret not cooperating. Meanwhile, as evening falls, a Rolls-Royce pulls up to the village pub where the St. Bernard is still patiently waiting. A butler gets out and clips a leash to the animal’s collar, on which is attached a decorative brandy barrel. The dog happily bounds into the posh vehicle, which then pulls away and disappears into the night.
The next morning, the butler and the dog are found staying at a nearby bed & breakfast, which is a farmhouse owned and operated by Lawrence and Beth Owens. Their orphaned teenage nephew, Skye Walker, takes a shine to the St. Bernard. The butler, who introduces himself as Mr. S. T. Keough, tells the boy that the dog’s name is Artie. He goes on to say he needs to deliver the pet to an old friend of his employer, Owen Kearney, who is thought to live in the area. Skye replies that the only Kearney he knows of is Old Ben Kearney, a reclusive drunk with a mysterious past. Later that afternoon, while playing with Skye, the dog escapes from the yard and runs off into the hills behind the farm. Skye and Mr. Keough give chase, but are soon accosted by a gang of local hooligans. They are saved by Old Ben Kearney, who appears suddenly with his shotgun and scares off the troublemakers.
Kearney takes Skye and Mr. Keough to his ramshackle cabin, where Artie the St. Bernard is waiting. Skye is in awe of the huge crucifix hanging on the wall, and notices the various other religious paraphernalia scattered throughout the tiny hovel. Old Ben reveals that he is, in fact, Owen Kearney, the notorious IRA explosives expert who made a name for himself nineteen years before during the Border Campaign. He claims to have known Skye’s father back in those days, before he was murdered by RAF Group Captain Garth Eder, a ruthless operator known to have ties to MI5. He takes out a pistol, saying it belonged to Skye’s father, and offers it to the boy. Then, Kearney opens the brandy barrel at the dog’s throat and removes a small canister, which contains a microfilm of the stolen blueprints and a note from Lady Leah. Saying he needs to get the microfilm to Londonderry, Kearney tries to recruit Skye to the republican cause by playing on his Catholic sympathies, but the boy is not interested. However, on the way home, Skye sees smoke rising from over a hill, and as he reaches the top, he discovers that his farmhouse is on fire. British troops are standing around doing nothing but watching it burn down. Then he sees his aunt and uncle, in handcuffs, being pushed into an RAF Police van. Skye watches in horror as his uncle suddenly fights back, only to be shot in the head. His aunt’s anguished screams are silenced by a second gunshot. Gripped with a desire for revenge, Skye returns to Kearney’s cabin and says he wants to join the IRA.
Knowing military roadblocks would prevent them from driving all the way to Londonderry, Kearney takes Skye, Mr. Keough, and Artie into Omagh, where they visit a rowdy pub with a shady reputation, the Moss & Ivy. There, they strike a deal with two drug smugglers, a Swede named Hans Olaf and his incomprehensible sidekick “Debacle,” a Rastafarian ganja-head, to ferry them north aboard their twin-engine Cessna the Maltese Falcon. They narrowly avoid a police raid on the pub and a subsequent attack by gangsters gunning for Hans to reach the airfield and take to the skies. But, upon reaching Londonderry, their flight over the O’Grady estate reveals only a smoking crater -- the manor house has been bombed into oblivion.
Kearney learns that Lady Leah is being held in the military prison on an RAF base several miles to the west and plans a jailbreak. Skye convinces Hans and Debacle to help by playing up Lady Leah’s great wealth and influence and suggesting they will be rewarded handsomely for their efforts. Their greed gets the better of them and they agree. Kearney spends some time teaching Skye how to fight, and tells him how to draw extra strength and resolve from prayer to Saint Michael, the Archangel, patron of all Heaven’s warriors. When they are ready, the quartet infiltrates the base with Skye and Hans disguised as British soldiers and Debacle pretending to be their prisoner. While they work on freeing Lady Leah, Kearney goes to sabotage the base’s power station and cause a blackout.
The plan goes flawlessly until they get Lady Leah out of her cell, when they are spotted by a group of armed guards. Hans holds them off, but Skye isn’t sure what to do. Seizing the initiative, Lady Leah takes Skye’s gun and shoots the hinges off a metal grating covering a window. She then smashes the window and they all jump out, landing in a trash dumpster. Unfortunately, the dumpster is lifted just at that moment and emptied into a garbage truck, with the four unlikely comrades tumbling down among piles of rubbish. They are nearly compacted before Mr. Keough arrives and forces the truck driver to switch off the mechanism. They commandeer the garbage truck and make a break for the rear gate in a blazing gun battle, waiting for Kearney to kill the lights.
Unfortunately, at the power station, Kearney is confronted by Group Captain Eder, which leads to a shootout in which Kearney is mortally wounded. The garbage truck pulls up and Skye yells to Kearney to jump in, but the old man has a different plan. Though he draws a bead on Eder, he pauses, intentionally allowing the soldier to shoot him dead, confident that his martyrdom will bind Skye to their cause more than ever before. As Skye screams in rage, Hans floors it and the garbage truck smashes through the poorly-defended rear gate and escapes. They soon reach the Maltese Falcon and take off, leaving their pursuers far below. They escape from a couple of RAF helicopters by executing some daring aerobatics inside a cloudbank.
Lady Leah directs them to a hidden IRA stronghold outside Ballycastle, where she and her comrades plan a daring attack to blow up the RAF base and destroy the new bomber in its hanger. The leader of the cell, Dooley, informs Leah that the new plane was used to destroy her estate, killing her family and all their servants, as a test run. Outraged, Skye insists on participating in the attack, but, to his disappointment, Hans and Debacle say they’ve had enough, take their money, and leave. The IRA assembles a convoy of explosive-laden trucks and drives them to the base under cover of darkness. Skye is behind the wheel of one, with Artie the St. Bernard on the seat next to him as a good-luck charm.
Upon arriving at the base, the trucks smash through the front gate, scattering the soldiers. They quickly regroup and open fire. However, as the trucks crash into the base’s buildings, they explode. The fires spread rapidly until the entire complex is a raging inferno. Group Captain Eder leaps on a motorcycle and daringly rides among the trucks, shooting the drivers through the windows and windshields. The out-of-control trucks crash into each other, going up in enormous fireballs. Meanwhile, Skye directs his truck at the hanger containing the new bomber. He crashes through the door and slams into the plane, but the explosives fail to detonate. He and Artie get out of the truck, dazed. Reaching the edge of the hanger, Skye watches the battle raging outside. But Group Captain Eder spots him and steers his motorcycle towards the hanger, getting Skye squarely in his sights. Suddenly, the Maltese Falcon buzzes the airfield and Debacle fires a machine gun from his open door, causing Eder to wipe out. Seizing the moment, Skye spins around, draws his father’s gun, and aims at the gas can on the back door of his truck. His head is still a bit fuzzy from the crash and his eyes won’t focus. Then he remembers Owen Kearney’s words and says a solemn prayer to St. Michael. He pulls the trigger. Multiple explosions rip the truck and the bomber to shreds and set the hanger on fire. In the confusion, Skye and Artie steal a Jeep and flee into the night.
Skye, Artie, Hans, Debacle, and the few surviving IRA guerillas rendezvous at Ballycastle the next morning, where Lady Leah congratulates them on a decisive victory for their cause. Mr. Keough brings out their best whiskey and they begin their celebration. Debacle proposes a toast to something no one can quite make out, so everyone merely drinks to whatever it was with a hearty laugh.
The End. Cue sweeping orchestral score.
We here at TTN can really see this leading to a six-movie epic! It’s gonna be huge!! And just wait till you see the Holiday Special…!!!
Previous: Tony Television Special #3
Showing posts with label Tony Television. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Tony Television. Show all posts
Thursday
Tuesday
Tony Television Special #3
We here at the Tony Television Network have never worried about competition from niche-oriented cable-TV outlets, because we’ve beaten them at their own game! Our intrepid research teams have scavenged through file cabinets all over the globe to produce our third special presentation, which is nothing less than the ultimate in niche entertainment! Remember, for spine-tingling real-world chills and pants-wetting true-life thrills, nobody does niche like TTN!
SHARKS VS. NAZIS
This astonishing feature-length documentary uses cutting-edge computer-generated imagery, live-action reenactments, and the latest technological developments in deep-sea cinematography to tell the little-known story of one of the strangest battles of the Second World War.
In the spring of 1942, the infamous Nazi submarine U-113, under the command of the cunning Korvettenkapitän Jurgen Unterwäsche, broke formation with its “wolf pack” to pursue an Allied troop transport ship into the Caribbean Sea. However, before the devious U-boat crew could launch a single torpedo, they were savagely attacked by a clan of freedom-loving Great White Sharks. Proving themselves the deadliest predators in the ocean, the sharks disabled the sub just west of the Grenadines, forcing the crew to abandon ship. Fighting the sharks tooth and nail, only a few of the Nazi mariners managed to make it to safety on the beaches of Union Island. They spent the rest of the war in an Allied P.O.W. camp.
This gripping tale of a forgotten chapter of World War II is narrated by Peter Coyote.
The Tony Television Network -- Bringing You History’s Mysteries of the Natural World!
Previous: Tony Television Special #2
Next: Tony Television Special #4
SHARKS VS. NAZIS
This astonishing feature-length documentary uses cutting-edge computer-generated imagery, live-action reenactments, and the latest technological developments in deep-sea cinematography to tell the little-known story of one of the strangest battles of the Second World War.
In the spring of 1942, the infamous Nazi submarine U-113, under the command of the cunning Korvettenkapitän Jurgen Unterwäsche, broke formation with its “wolf pack” to pursue an Allied troop transport ship into the Caribbean Sea. However, before the devious U-boat crew could launch a single torpedo, they were savagely attacked by a clan of freedom-loving Great White Sharks. Proving themselves the deadliest predators in the ocean, the sharks disabled the sub just west of the Grenadines, forcing the crew to abandon ship. Fighting the sharks tooth and nail, only a few of the Nazi mariners managed to make it to safety on the beaches of Union Island. They spent the rest of the war in an Allied P.O.W. camp.
This gripping tale of a forgotten chapter of World War II is narrated by Peter Coyote.
The Tony Television Network -- Bringing You History’s Mysteries of the Natural World!
Previous: Tony Television Special #2
Next: Tony Television Special #4
Monday
Tony Television Special # 2
Because you demanded it! The Tony Television Network presents its most pulse-pounding TV movie event ever! The tantalizingly true tale of two of the titans of American comic books and their rip-roaring, mind-bending, and heartstring-tugging roller-coaster relationship! See the birth of a new American art form! Witness the struggle of two young dreamers to make it in the rough-and-tumble world of periodicals publishing! Thrill to the highs and lows of their tempestuous partnership! Face front, True Believers! This one has it all!
STAN AND JACK: THE EARLY YEARS
Starring “Torrid” Topher Grace as Stan Lee and “Dogged” Dominic Cooper as Jack Kirby, this all-star bio-pic opens in late 1930s New York City, as two young men who will change the face of American popular culture meet for the first time and begin working for the small publishing firm that will one day become Marvel Comics.
Jack Kirby, a talented self-taught artist struggling to get his young family out of the city’s infamous Hell’s Kitchen neighborhood, is less than impressed when he first encounters young Stan Lee, the teenage gofer for Jack’s new boss, comics publisher Martin Goodman (David Hyde Pierce). However, although Goodman is his distant relative, Stan is determined to become a writer on his own merits, and uses his irrepressible enthusiasm to buddy up to both Jack and his partner Joe Simon (David Schwimmer).
The company finds its first success with a magazine called Marvel Comics, and its two main superhero features, “The Human Torch,” created by brash young Carl Burgos (Taylor Handley), and “Sub-Mariner,” by pipe-smoking pro Bill Everett (special appearance by Ben Affleck). This convinces Goodman to publish Simon and Kirby’s new strip, called Captain America, which is a smash hit. Due to a series of fortuitous coincidences, Stan quickly becomes the editor of Goodman’s comic book line. Meanwhile, Jack and Joe Simon are riding high on their newfound fame.
With the outbreak of World War II, Stan and Jack both volunteer for service, but their experiences could not be more different. While Jack is under heavy enemy fire on the wintry front lines of France, Stan remains in New Jersey writing Army training films. When the war ends, they return to their former jobs in the comic book industry, which is now booming. Stan soon marries a drop-dead gorgeous, British-born model named Joan (Alexis Bledel), who could not be more different from Jack’s forthright working-class wife Roz (Kristin Kreuk).
Through the booms and busts of the post-war period and into the 1950s, Stan hangs on to his job at Goodman’s company, first known as Timely and then as Atlas Comics. He builds a staff of talented pros, including his right-hand man, Sol Brodsky (Zach Braff), versatile Syd Shores (Josh Randall), and his star artist Joe Maneely (Ben McKenzie). Campbell Scott makes a special appearance as Stan’s friend Mickey Spillane, who considers a career in comics before deciding to write detective novels instead.
Jack, meanwhile, bounces around the industry as his fortunes rise and fall. A failed attempt to start their own company leads to the end of the Simon & Kirby partnership. Then, Jack’s hopes for a successful newspaper comic strip are wrecked by a double-dealing editor at National Comics, played by Cotter Smith. Times are hard all around, and Jack commiserates with fellow artist Gil Kane (special appearance by Alan Cumming). But through it all, Roz gives Jack her unflinching support.
In 1959, after a series of major setbacks, including Joe Maneely’s sudden death, Stan finds he must rebuild the company almost from scratch, and convinces Jack to come work for Marvel. They begin turning out imaginative “monster” comics that meet with moderate success, although they soon become dissatisfied with the stories’ repetitive and formulaic nature. However, Goodman continues to insist they follow industry trends and play it safe.
As the company regains its footing, Stan hires another talented artist, the reclusive Steve Ditko (Dustin Diamond), as well as illustrator Dick Ayers (Andy Richter), letterer Artie Simek (Steve Paymer), and even his own younger brother Larry Lieber (Justin Long). Freelance artists come and go, including Gene Colan (Matt Damon) and John Buscema (Kevin Smith), who make cameo appearances.
With the arrival of a sexy young secretary named Flo Steinberg (Jennifer Love Hewitt), the company settles into a comfortable routine, but Stan feels creatively frustrated and plans to quit the business. Jack also feels dissatisfied, as he comes to realize that Goodman is taking advantage of him, and all his promises to reward Jack’s talent go unfulfilled. He starts looking for a better gig.
Then, on a fateful day in 1961, Goodman plays a round of golf with the head of National Comics, Jack Liebowitz (John C. Reilly), who brags about the success he’s had lately with superhero comics, particularly his new title Justice League of America. Goodman immediately orders Stan to copy the idea and come up with a team of superheroes. Stan considers this the last straw, until his wife Joan convinces him he has nothing to lose by doing the new book in his own way.
Intrigued by the possibility of telling more complex stories with compelling characters, Stan meets with Jack, who is also excited to return to the superhero genre, where he always had his greatest success. In a marathon brainstorming session together, they hammer out the details of the new series; dream up, design, and name their cast of characters; and work out the exciting first adventure for The Fantastic Four.
As the first issue of their groundbreaking title hits the newsstands, both Stan and Jack, and their families, wait to see if their creative experiment is a success, or whether the comic book industry is truly a dead end. Then, when fan mail starts pouring in, the two creators realize they are on to something big, and the Marvel Age of Comics is born.
The Tony Age of Television is Here!
Previous: Tony Television Special #1
Next: Tony Television Special #3
STAN AND JACK: THE EARLY YEARS
Starring “Torrid” Topher Grace as Stan Lee and “Dogged” Dominic Cooper as Jack Kirby, this all-star bio-pic opens in late 1930s New York City, as two young men who will change the face of American popular culture meet for the first time and begin working for the small publishing firm that will one day become Marvel Comics.
Jack Kirby, a talented self-taught artist struggling to get his young family out of the city’s infamous Hell’s Kitchen neighborhood, is less than impressed when he first encounters young Stan Lee, the teenage gofer for Jack’s new boss, comics publisher Martin Goodman (David Hyde Pierce). However, although Goodman is his distant relative, Stan is determined to become a writer on his own merits, and uses his irrepressible enthusiasm to buddy up to both Jack and his partner Joe Simon (David Schwimmer).
The company finds its first success with a magazine called Marvel Comics, and its two main superhero features, “The Human Torch,” created by brash young Carl Burgos (Taylor Handley), and “Sub-Mariner,” by pipe-smoking pro Bill Everett (special appearance by Ben Affleck). This convinces Goodman to publish Simon and Kirby’s new strip, called Captain America, which is a smash hit. Due to a series of fortuitous coincidences, Stan quickly becomes the editor of Goodman’s comic book line. Meanwhile, Jack and Joe Simon are riding high on their newfound fame.
With the outbreak of World War II, Stan and Jack both volunteer for service, but their experiences could not be more different. While Jack is under heavy enemy fire on the wintry front lines of France, Stan remains in New Jersey writing Army training films. When the war ends, they return to their former jobs in the comic book industry, which is now booming. Stan soon marries a drop-dead gorgeous, British-born model named Joan (Alexis Bledel), who could not be more different from Jack’s forthright working-class wife Roz (Kristin Kreuk).
Through the booms and busts of the post-war period and into the 1950s, Stan hangs on to his job at Goodman’s company, first known as Timely and then as Atlas Comics. He builds a staff of talented pros, including his right-hand man, Sol Brodsky (Zach Braff), versatile Syd Shores (Josh Randall), and his star artist Joe Maneely (Ben McKenzie). Campbell Scott makes a special appearance as Stan’s friend Mickey Spillane, who considers a career in comics before deciding to write detective novels instead.
Jack, meanwhile, bounces around the industry as his fortunes rise and fall. A failed attempt to start their own company leads to the end of the Simon & Kirby partnership. Then, Jack’s hopes for a successful newspaper comic strip are wrecked by a double-dealing editor at National Comics, played by Cotter Smith. Times are hard all around, and Jack commiserates with fellow artist Gil Kane (special appearance by Alan Cumming). But through it all, Roz gives Jack her unflinching support.
In 1959, after a series of major setbacks, including Joe Maneely’s sudden death, Stan finds he must rebuild the company almost from scratch, and convinces Jack to come work for Marvel. They begin turning out imaginative “monster” comics that meet with moderate success, although they soon become dissatisfied with the stories’ repetitive and formulaic nature. However, Goodman continues to insist they follow industry trends and play it safe.
As the company regains its footing, Stan hires another talented artist, the reclusive Steve Ditko (Dustin Diamond), as well as illustrator Dick Ayers (Andy Richter), letterer Artie Simek (Steve Paymer), and even his own younger brother Larry Lieber (Justin Long). Freelance artists come and go, including Gene Colan (Matt Damon) and John Buscema (Kevin Smith), who make cameo appearances.
With the arrival of a sexy young secretary named Flo Steinberg (Jennifer Love Hewitt), the company settles into a comfortable routine, but Stan feels creatively frustrated and plans to quit the business. Jack also feels dissatisfied, as he comes to realize that Goodman is taking advantage of him, and all his promises to reward Jack’s talent go unfulfilled. He starts looking for a better gig.
Then, on a fateful day in 1961, Goodman plays a round of golf with the head of National Comics, Jack Liebowitz (John C. Reilly), who brags about the success he’s had lately with superhero comics, particularly his new title Justice League of America. Goodman immediately orders Stan to copy the idea and come up with a team of superheroes. Stan considers this the last straw, until his wife Joan convinces him he has nothing to lose by doing the new book in his own way.
Intrigued by the possibility of telling more complex stories with compelling characters, Stan meets with Jack, who is also excited to return to the superhero genre, where he always had his greatest success. In a marathon brainstorming session together, they hammer out the details of the new series; dream up, design, and name their cast of characters; and work out the exciting first adventure for The Fantastic Four.
As the first issue of their groundbreaking title hits the newsstands, both Stan and Jack, and their families, wait to see if their creative experiment is a success, or whether the comic book industry is truly a dead end. Then, when fan mail starts pouring in, the two creators realize they are on to something big, and the Marvel Age of Comics is born.
The Tony Age of Television is Here!
Previous: Tony Television Special #1
Next: Tony Television Special #3
Tuesday
Tony Television Special # 1
No self-respecting television network would be without the occasional TV movie, and nobody has more self-respect than the Tony Television Network! Thus, we present the first in a series of special two-hour features that we’ll schedule whenever we feel our viewers deserve a wonderful gift! Can you spell star-studded major TV event?
THE GREAT BIRD OF THE GALAXY
Greg Grunberg stars as Gene Roddenberry in this humorous bio-pic detailing his dauntless efforts to launch the Star Trek television series in the mid-1960s. Aided and abetted by his ambitious personal assistant Dorothy Fontana (Moira Kelly) and the eager young intern Morris Chapnick (Adam Brody), Roddenberry must navigate the byzantine world of Hollywood production companies and major TV networks, relying on the expertise of two industry insiders, Herb Solow (Peter MacNicol) and Bob Justman (Jeffrey Nordling).
With the help of sympathetic studio executive Oscar Katz (Saul Rubinek), Roddenberry gets the go-ahead to produce a pilot. He quickly assembles a zany design staff, including Pato Guzman (John Leguizamo), Matt Jefferies (Tom Verica), and William Ware Theiss (Patrick Dempsey), whose irrepressible personalities keep Roddenberry on his toes.
Things only get crazier as Roddenberry hires actors and must deal with their eccentricities, including Leonard Nimoy (Wes Bentley), Susan Oliver (Elisha Cuthbert), and his difficult star Jeffrey Hunter (special appearance by Ray Liotta). To top it off, Roddenberry falls in love with one of his leading ladies, Majel Barrett (Juliet Landau).
When the troubled pilot is rejected by the network for being “too cerebral,” Roddenberry and his team scramble to get a second chance, reworking their approach to the material and hiring new actors, teaming Nimoy with Gary Lockwood (Ashton Kutcher), Sally Kellerman (Mischa Barton) and new star Bill Shatner (Shane West).
All involved then sweat out the final decision of the network, to see if they will get their chance to make television history.
TTN – Where No Television Network Has Gone Before!!!
Previous: Tony Television Scores Big!
Next: Tony Television Special # 2
THE GREAT BIRD OF THE GALAXY
Greg Grunberg stars as Gene Roddenberry in this humorous bio-pic detailing his dauntless efforts to launch the Star Trek television series in the mid-1960s. Aided and abetted by his ambitious personal assistant Dorothy Fontana (Moira Kelly) and the eager young intern Morris Chapnick (Adam Brody), Roddenberry must navigate the byzantine world of Hollywood production companies and major TV networks, relying on the expertise of two industry insiders, Herb Solow (Peter MacNicol) and Bob Justman (Jeffrey Nordling).
With the help of sympathetic studio executive Oscar Katz (Saul Rubinek), Roddenberry gets the go-ahead to produce a pilot. He quickly assembles a zany design staff, including Pato Guzman (John Leguizamo), Matt Jefferies (Tom Verica), and William Ware Theiss (Patrick Dempsey), whose irrepressible personalities keep Roddenberry on his toes.
Things only get crazier as Roddenberry hires actors and must deal with their eccentricities, including Leonard Nimoy (Wes Bentley), Susan Oliver (Elisha Cuthbert), and his difficult star Jeffrey Hunter (special appearance by Ray Liotta). To top it off, Roddenberry falls in love with one of his leading ladies, Majel Barrett (Juliet Landau).
When the troubled pilot is rejected by the network for being “too cerebral,” Roddenberry and his team scramble to get a second chance, reworking their approach to the material and hiring new actors, teaming Nimoy with Gary Lockwood (Ashton Kutcher), Sally Kellerman (Mischa Barton) and new star Bill Shatner (Shane West).
All involved then sweat out the final decision of the network, to see if they will get their chance to make television history.
TTN – Where No Television Network Has Gone Before!!!
Previous: Tony Television Scores Big!
Next: Tony Television Special # 2
Thursday
Tony Television Scores Big
Monday night has long been considered a lost cause for any TV network unable to slake America’s relentless thirst for football. That is about to change, however, as the Tony Television Network at last unveils its Monday masterpieces! In the ratings war, we play to win, and nothing that lives, breathes, or moves can resist the sexiest, most scintillating, unforgettably sensational shows that TTN has to offer! Prepare for a night of life-changing television entertainment!
8:00 – THERE’S ONE IN EVERY FAMILY. RuPaul Charles stars as Sasha, a flamboyant Black homosexual transvestite who moves in with his button-down half-brother Sam (Martin Donovan) and his lilywhite suburban family. Will Sam’s prim churchgoing wife Margot (Jessica Steen) be tempted by Sasha’s fabulous wardrobe? Will Sam’s mother Gwen (Barbara Barrie) come out of the closet and admit she’s a liberal? Will cable-news-junkie Uncle Ralph (Steve Landesberg) ever feel comfortable again? Will high-school-age daughter Nan (Rachel Skarsten) and ‘tween son Ronny (Cameron Bright) learn valuable life lessons from Sasha each and every week? Tune in to this hilarious life-affirming comedy and find out!
8:30 – SPACE HAREM. In this sexy sci-fi romp, Tia Carrere plays Jixy, the smart and sassy head of an intergalactic sultan’s outer-space harem. Cavorting, conniving, and cat-fighting is the order of the day as Jixy rules her roost. Featuring Lisa Jakub as the mercurial youngest member, Solara; Michele Lintel as a sizzling Saturnian named Mazzy; Joy Bryant as the Venusian vixen Tora; Eva Mendes as the nubile Neptunian Osha; Paige Peterson as Temptra of Planet X; and Rubén Blades as Sultan Zandak the Magnificent. In the premiere episode, the girls conspire with the befuddled vizier Nuff (Max Gail) and the harem’s no-nonsense guard Zolt (Ron Canada) to meet the visiting Queen of the Galaxy (special guest Julie Strain).
9:00 – SAYONARA YAKUZA. Thrill to the explosive exploits of Mei, a beautiful ninja assassin, played by Tamlyn Tomita, who tries to flee her life of crime by moving to Seattle. Unfortunately, the cold-hearted crime boss Mr. Honda (George Takei) won’t let her go, and sends his father-daughter hit squad (Ken Watanabe and Chiaki Kuriyama) to track her down and kill her. While trying to protect herself and her gruff, elderly father (Sonny Chiba), Mei falls in love with a brash martial arts instructor, Jeff (Jason Scott Lee) and befriends his older sister Pam (Rosalind Chao). Things go from bad to worse when Mei’s frequent battles with a bounty hunter called Spades (Regina King) attracts the attention of a dogged police detective (Brian Wimmer) and his harried supervisor (Peter Gerety). There’s action galore in this high-energy drama!
10:00 – BIZARRE FANTASY. The year is 1952 and Katie, a struggling young actress played by Alison Lohman, becomes involved in the kinky world of the small-time fetish magazine Bizarre Fantasy, run by the disreputable Irwin Clodhopper (Pruitt Taylor Vince) and his harridan mother Glynis (Cloris Leachman). Befriending two of the other models, the streetwise Amanda (Tiffany Shepis) and the withdrawn Sally (Heather McComb), Katie tries to navigate the bewildering universe she has stumbled into. Featuring Maury Chaykin as chief photographer Elwyn Clodhopper; Elina Löwensohn as Tasha, the magazine’s imperious production manager and bondage expert; Michael Dorn as the sympathetic maintenance man Paul; Natasha Gregson Wagner as the strung-out model Madeline; Stacy Haiduk as Katie’s nemesis, the magazine’s sharp-tongued top model Betty Sue; Bo Svenson as nightclub owner Gareth Swain, Katie’s “guardian angel;” and Masuimi Max as the mysterious model known only as Mojo.
The Tony Television Network – Resistance is Useless!!!
Previous: Tony Television Triumphs!
8:00 – THERE’S ONE IN EVERY FAMILY. RuPaul Charles stars as Sasha, a flamboyant Black homosexual transvestite who moves in with his button-down half-brother Sam (Martin Donovan) and his lilywhite suburban family. Will Sam’s prim churchgoing wife Margot (Jessica Steen) be tempted by Sasha’s fabulous wardrobe? Will Sam’s mother Gwen (Barbara Barrie) come out of the closet and admit she’s a liberal? Will cable-news-junkie Uncle Ralph (Steve Landesberg) ever feel comfortable again? Will high-school-age daughter Nan (Rachel Skarsten) and ‘tween son Ronny (Cameron Bright) learn valuable life lessons from Sasha each and every week? Tune in to this hilarious life-affirming comedy and find out!
8:30 – SPACE HAREM. In this sexy sci-fi romp, Tia Carrere plays Jixy, the smart and sassy head of an intergalactic sultan’s outer-space harem. Cavorting, conniving, and cat-fighting is the order of the day as Jixy rules her roost. Featuring Lisa Jakub as the mercurial youngest member, Solara; Michele Lintel as a sizzling Saturnian named Mazzy; Joy Bryant as the Venusian vixen Tora; Eva Mendes as the nubile Neptunian Osha; Paige Peterson as Temptra of Planet X; and Rubén Blades as Sultan Zandak the Magnificent. In the premiere episode, the girls conspire with the befuddled vizier Nuff (Max Gail) and the harem’s no-nonsense guard Zolt (Ron Canada) to meet the visiting Queen of the Galaxy (special guest Julie Strain).
9:00 – SAYONARA YAKUZA. Thrill to the explosive exploits of Mei, a beautiful ninja assassin, played by Tamlyn Tomita, who tries to flee her life of crime by moving to Seattle. Unfortunately, the cold-hearted crime boss Mr. Honda (George Takei) won’t let her go, and sends his father-daughter hit squad (Ken Watanabe and Chiaki Kuriyama) to track her down and kill her. While trying to protect herself and her gruff, elderly father (Sonny Chiba), Mei falls in love with a brash martial arts instructor, Jeff (Jason Scott Lee) and befriends his older sister Pam (Rosalind Chao). Things go from bad to worse when Mei’s frequent battles with a bounty hunter called Spades (Regina King) attracts the attention of a dogged police detective (Brian Wimmer) and his harried supervisor (Peter Gerety). There’s action galore in this high-energy drama!
10:00 – BIZARRE FANTASY. The year is 1952 and Katie, a struggling young actress played by Alison Lohman, becomes involved in the kinky world of the small-time fetish magazine Bizarre Fantasy, run by the disreputable Irwin Clodhopper (Pruitt Taylor Vince) and his harridan mother Glynis (Cloris Leachman). Befriending two of the other models, the streetwise Amanda (Tiffany Shepis) and the withdrawn Sally (Heather McComb), Katie tries to navigate the bewildering universe she has stumbled into. Featuring Maury Chaykin as chief photographer Elwyn Clodhopper; Elina Löwensohn as Tasha, the magazine’s imperious production manager and bondage expert; Michael Dorn as the sympathetic maintenance man Paul; Natasha Gregson Wagner as the strung-out model Madeline; Stacy Haiduk as Katie’s nemesis, the magazine’s sharp-tongued top model Betty Sue; Bo Svenson as nightclub owner Gareth Swain, Katie’s “guardian angel;” and Masuimi Max as the mysterious model known only as Mojo.
The Tony Television Network – Resistance is Useless!!!
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Friday
Tony Television Triumphs
Nobody does it better than the Tony Television Network –- as our triumphant Tuesday night schedule proves beyond a reasonable doubt! Four all-new, all-different, can’t-be-missed shows that will change the face of entertainment for all time! Comedy, action, excitement, and drama await you every Tuesday night on TTN! You’ll kill yourself if you miss it!
8:00 -- RECIPE FOR DISASTER. Robert Wuhl stars as Julian Cooke, the host of a TV cooking show whose hilariously disastrous private life contrasts with his sophisticated on-air persona. Co-starring Steve Guttenberg as his long-suffering producer/director and best friend Jared Bigelow. The pair is frequently harried by Cooke’s elegant wife Cecilia (Kim Myers) and her hell-raising sister Greer (Lolita Davidovich), as well as their bumbling production manager Alfie (Brent Hinkley). Rounding out the crackerjack cast are Dana Ashbrook and Daphne Ashbrook as Cooke’s bickering newlywed neighbors, the Prescotts.
8:30 -- SAME OLD KRAPP. In this knee-slapping comedy, Ray Wise stars as crusty antiques dealer Ed Krapp, whose quest for peace and quiet is continually derailed by his wife Claire (Jane Krakowski), a psychic who gets uproarious “readings” from the items in their shop, as well as by his persnickety chief buyer Hugh Huffley (Christian Clemenson) and his philosophical, ever-present plumber Ernie (Ernie Hudson). In the premiere, Krapp’s attempt to take a mid-afternoon nap is frustrated when Claire “reads” a disco ball that once belonged to Huffley’s high-school sweetheart and threatens to reveal embarrassing details about his past.
9:00 -- RELUCTANT HERO. Neil Patrick Harris plays Adam Arkon, a mild-mannered philosophy professor who discovers he is a genetically-engineered superman when his creator, Dr. Isaac Weaver (Hector Elizondo), escapes from a scientific-research-slave-labor-camp run by evil extraterrestrials. The cruel alien leaders, Xotran (Michael Ironside) and Krylla (Frances Fisher), have unleashed their army of shape-shifting clones to conquer the earth, and only Adam’s superhuman skills can find them and stop them. But can he leave behind his beautiful wife Ellie (Jennifer Blanc), his adoptive father Joseph (John Savage), and his life in academia? No, and that’s where the excitement begins! Co-starring Richard Beymer as the chair of Adam’s philosophy department and Wes Studi as his merciless nemesis Zoktorr the Mercenary.
10:00 -- SAND TRAPS. In this exciting drama, Valarie Rae Miller plays Janet Sand, an ATF agent who goes undercover as a golf pro at an exclusive golf course run by mobster Frank Fellini, played by David Marciano. As Agent Sand tries to get the goods on Fellini without blowing her cover, she must deal with the mobster’s scheming wife Felicia (Callie Thorne), his chief enforcer “Steel-Eyes” Stryker (Jeff Kober) and suspicious rival golf pro Teddy Buckley (Tim Ryan). Her life is further complicated by her terminally-ill sister Georgia (Lisa Nicole Carson) and a dangerous love affair with local police detective Ben Warfield (James Marshall).
The Tony Television Network –- Ask For It By Name!!!
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8:00 -- RECIPE FOR DISASTER. Robert Wuhl stars as Julian Cooke, the host of a TV cooking show whose hilariously disastrous private life contrasts with his sophisticated on-air persona. Co-starring Steve Guttenberg as his long-suffering producer/director and best friend Jared Bigelow. The pair is frequently harried by Cooke’s elegant wife Cecilia (Kim Myers) and her hell-raising sister Greer (Lolita Davidovich), as well as their bumbling production manager Alfie (Brent Hinkley). Rounding out the crackerjack cast are Dana Ashbrook and Daphne Ashbrook as Cooke’s bickering newlywed neighbors, the Prescotts.
8:30 -- SAME OLD KRAPP. In this knee-slapping comedy, Ray Wise stars as crusty antiques dealer Ed Krapp, whose quest for peace and quiet is continually derailed by his wife Claire (Jane Krakowski), a psychic who gets uproarious “readings” from the items in their shop, as well as by his persnickety chief buyer Hugh Huffley (Christian Clemenson) and his philosophical, ever-present plumber Ernie (Ernie Hudson). In the premiere, Krapp’s attempt to take a mid-afternoon nap is frustrated when Claire “reads” a disco ball that once belonged to Huffley’s high-school sweetheart and threatens to reveal embarrassing details about his past.
9:00 -- RELUCTANT HERO. Neil Patrick Harris plays Adam Arkon, a mild-mannered philosophy professor who discovers he is a genetically-engineered superman when his creator, Dr. Isaac Weaver (Hector Elizondo), escapes from a scientific-research-slave-labor-camp run by evil extraterrestrials. The cruel alien leaders, Xotran (Michael Ironside) and Krylla (Frances Fisher), have unleashed their army of shape-shifting clones to conquer the earth, and only Adam’s superhuman skills can find them and stop them. But can he leave behind his beautiful wife Ellie (Jennifer Blanc), his adoptive father Joseph (John Savage), and his life in academia? No, and that’s where the excitement begins! Co-starring Richard Beymer as the chair of Adam’s philosophy department and Wes Studi as his merciless nemesis Zoktorr the Mercenary.
10:00 -- SAND TRAPS. In this exciting drama, Valarie Rae Miller plays Janet Sand, an ATF agent who goes undercover as a golf pro at an exclusive golf course run by mobster Frank Fellini, played by David Marciano. As Agent Sand tries to get the goods on Fellini without blowing her cover, she must deal with the mobster’s scheming wife Felicia (Callie Thorne), his chief enforcer “Steel-Eyes” Stryker (Jeff Kober) and suspicious rival golf pro Teddy Buckley (Tim Ryan). Her life is further complicated by her terminally-ill sister Georgia (Lisa Nicole Carson) and a dangerous love affair with local police detective Ben Warfield (James Marshall).
The Tony Television Network –- Ask For It By Name!!!
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Monday
Tony Television Strikes Back
The greatest shows on Earth are not under the Big Top, they’re right here on the Tony Television Network! Wednesday nights serve up something for everyone with just the right mix of comedy, action, and drama in four shows the like of which the world has never seen! Stars galore and simply unbeatable concepts spell a night of television paradise! Don’t miss a single minute!
8:00 – RED-HEADED STEPCHILD. A heart-warming laugh-riot in which Daryl Sabara stars as Benjy, a precocious troublemaker who must make a big adjustment when his widowed mom, played by Gillian Anderson, marries a Hollywood studio executive (Lee Tergesen) and he must move in with his “perfect” new siblings, Sean (Nick Carter) and Sarah (Carly Schroeder). In the pilot, Benjy inadvertently brings disaster to his new family’s high-society pool party. Featuring a special appearance by Danny Bonaduce as Benjy’s deceased dad.
8:30 – OBJECTION SUSTAINED. Jeff Altman stars as the world’s worst lawyer, Clyde Daihatsu, in this side-splitting comedy set in Hoboken. With Eamonn Walker as his long-suffering law partner Percy Blue and Jena Malone as Clyde’s on-again-off-again girlfriend Sissy Turkel. In the premiere episode, Clyde faces his greatest challenge when he is called to defend his Japanese half-sisters, played by former Pink Lady stars Keiko Kuwaki and Mitsuyo Tsukuda, from a sausage-smuggling racket.
9:00 – SUBPOENA! Follow the thrilling adventures of a corps of process servers as they tackle big city crime and corruption in this high-energy legal drama. Starring Seth Green as dauntless Mitch Madison and Clarence Williams III as Judge Jefferson J. Adams. Also featuring Jennifer Lien as Mitch’s partner Gretchen Kane, Jeff Phillips as her brother Carlson Kane, Lil’ Romeo as streetwise Capital-T, Esai Morales as computer-whiz Hector Escobar, Jamie Elman as soft-spoken Steve Raysor, Peter Berg as their boss Alan Westfield, and Tiffani Thiessen as rival process server Holly McClain. In the first installment, Mitch and his team must overcome formidable obstacles to serve papers to a corrupt Congressman (Ed Begley, Jr.) before time runs out.
10:00 – NOAA WEATHER RADIO. Kyle Secor leads a powerhouse cast in this gripping drama about the heroic meteorologists who keep our coastal cities safe. Set in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, the show follows the trials and travails, both personal and professional, of Mark Billings (Secor); his co-workers sagacious Arnold Blaze (Graham Greene), hot-tempered Dan O’Leary (Colm Meany), and brainy Julietta Norris (Tracy Scoggins); his no-nonsense boss Jerry Berry (Charles Martin Smith); and his fortune-teller ex-wife Magdalena (Cyndi Lauper).
The Tony Television Network – Accept No Substitutes!!!
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8:00 – RED-HEADED STEPCHILD. A heart-warming laugh-riot in which Daryl Sabara stars as Benjy, a precocious troublemaker who must make a big adjustment when his widowed mom, played by Gillian Anderson, marries a Hollywood studio executive (Lee Tergesen) and he must move in with his “perfect” new siblings, Sean (Nick Carter) and Sarah (Carly Schroeder). In the pilot, Benjy inadvertently brings disaster to his new family’s high-society pool party. Featuring a special appearance by Danny Bonaduce as Benjy’s deceased dad.
8:30 – OBJECTION SUSTAINED. Jeff Altman stars as the world’s worst lawyer, Clyde Daihatsu, in this side-splitting comedy set in Hoboken. With Eamonn Walker as his long-suffering law partner Percy Blue and Jena Malone as Clyde’s on-again-off-again girlfriend Sissy Turkel. In the premiere episode, Clyde faces his greatest challenge when he is called to defend his Japanese half-sisters, played by former Pink Lady stars Keiko Kuwaki and Mitsuyo Tsukuda, from a sausage-smuggling racket.
9:00 – SUBPOENA! Follow the thrilling adventures of a corps of process servers as they tackle big city crime and corruption in this high-energy legal drama. Starring Seth Green as dauntless Mitch Madison and Clarence Williams III as Judge Jefferson J. Adams. Also featuring Jennifer Lien as Mitch’s partner Gretchen Kane, Jeff Phillips as her brother Carlson Kane, Lil’ Romeo as streetwise Capital-T, Esai Morales as computer-whiz Hector Escobar, Jamie Elman as soft-spoken Steve Raysor, Peter Berg as their boss Alan Westfield, and Tiffani Thiessen as rival process server Holly McClain. In the first installment, Mitch and his team must overcome formidable obstacles to serve papers to a corrupt Congressman (Ed Begley, Jr.) before time runs out.
10:00 – NOAA WEATHER RADIO. Kyle Secor leads a powerhouse cast in this gripping drama about the heroic meteorologists who keep our coastal cities safe. Set in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, the show follows the trials and travails, both personal and professional, of Mark Billings (Secor); his co-workers sagacious Arnold Blaze (Graham Greene), hot-tempered Dan O’Leary (Colm Meany), and brainy Julietta Norris (Tracy Scoggins); his no-nonsense boss Jerry Berry (Charles Martin Smith); and his fortune-teller ex-wife Magdalena (Cyndi Lauper).
The Tony Television Network – Accept No Substitutes!!!
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Thursday
Tony Television Gets Real
Friday night has traditionally been called the “television graveyard” –- the night only losers stay home and watch the tube. At the Tony Television Network, we prefer to think of them as TV connoisseurs. That’s why we’ve developed these finely-crafted programs to appeal to the most discriminating of tastes. So pour a glass of wine, cut the cheese, and tune in to the Best TV Network Ever!!!
8:00 –- MYSTERIOUS HIDDEN SECRETS OF THE ARCANE. Malcolm McDowell and Jeri Ryan host this fascinating weekly odyssey into the world’s most baffling mysteries. From their ornate and spooky set, they weave a web of reports from their far-flung correspondents and investigators. In the first episode, we learn all about a group of dedicated UFO researchers called The Friends of Gray Barker; discover the shocking truth about the celebrated Patterson Bigfoot film; and see biographical profiles of the scary Satanist Anton LaVey and occult rocket scientist John Whiteside “Jack” Parsons. Plus, musical guest Lisa Loeb rocks the house.
9:00 –- THE PRISONERS. Two unwitting contestants wake up to find themselves stripped of their identities and trapped in a remote resort village in this “Reality TV” show based on the classic 1968 thriller The Prisoner. Nominated by friends and family, the hapless contestants must first discover what’s happened to them and then try to find a way to escape. The only people in “the Village” they can trust are each other, but each starts out unaware of the other’s presence! Can they find each other within a bedeviling maze of betrayal and deceit? Can they overcome the machinations of each week’s sadistic new “Number 2”? Thrill to their exploits in this high-stakes game of identity and perseverance! Next time, it could be you!
10:00 –- WORLD’S CRUELLEST PRACTICAL JOKES. Bad girls Rose McGowan and Lisa Boyle host this rip-roaring “cinema verité” show that really pushes the envelope. In the first episode we take our hidden cameras to a hospital emergency room for all manner of hilarious hijinks, and then top it off with our weekly “Talking Corpse” feature from the palatial Mortando Funeral Chapel. Get in on the wacky fun!
The only TV graveyard now will be for our competitors! Long live TTN !!!
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8:00 –- MYSTERIOUS HIDDEN SECRETS OF THE ARCANE. Malcolm McDowell and Jeri Ryan host this fascinating weekly odyssey into the world’s most baffling mysteries. From their ornate and spooky set, they weave a web of reports from their far-flung correspondents and investigators. In the first episode, we learn all about a group of dedicated UFO researchers called The Friends of Gray Barker; discover the shocking truth about the celebrated Patterson Bigfoot film; and see biographical profiles of the scary Satanist Anton LaVey and occult rocket scientist John Whiteside “Jack” Parsons. Plus, musical guest Lisa Loeb rocks the house.
9:00 –- THE PRISONERS. Two unwitting contestants wake up to find themselves stripped of their identities and trapped in a remote resort village in this “Reality TV” show based on the classic 1968 thriller The Prisoner. Nominated by friends and family, the hapless contestants must first discover what’s happened to them and then try to find a way to escape. The only people in “the Village” they can trust are each other, but each starts out unaware of the other’s presence! Can they find each other within a bedeviling maze of betrayal and deceit? Can they overcome the machinations of each week’s sadistic new “Number 2”? Thrill to their exploits in this high-stakes game of identity and perseverance! Next time, it could be you!
10:00 –- WORLD’S CRUELLEST PRACTICAL JOKES. Bad girls Rose McGowan and Lisa Boyle host this rip-roaring “cinema verité” show that really pushes the envelope. In the first episode we take our hidden cameras to a hospital emergency room for all manner of hilarious hijinks, and then top it off with our weekly “Talking Corpse” feature from the palatial Mortando Funeral Chapel. Get in on the wacky fun!
The only TV graveyard now will be for our competitors! Long live TTN !!!
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Friday
Tony Television is Family Television
As we all know, Sunday night is family TV time, and nowhere more so than at the Tony Television Network! That’s why we’ve put together three family-friendly shows, which are still so daring and inventive that the competition will hang their heads in shame!
8:00 – OUR WHOLESOME FRONTIER. Tom Wopat and Stephanie Zimbalist star in this heartwarming period drama about the trials and travails of a pioneer family who leave Baltimore and resettle in Angel’s Wing, Utah. Joining parents Jonah and Abigail are their three children, Timothy (Matthew Lawrence), Constance (Angela Featherstone), and Mary (Scarlett Pomers), as well as crusty old Grandpa (R. Lee Ermey). Upon arriving in their new home, they learn valuable life lessons from reformed drunkard Reverend O’Hooley (Reed Diamond), crafty Prospector Bill (John Collum) and cranky Mrs. Applebottom (Sharon Gless).
9:00 – SENIOR SLEUTH. Hal Linden returns to TV as retired psychology professor Randall Peterson, who turns to solving murders to alleviate the boredom of retirement. Florence Henderson stars as his wife, Florence, and Antonio Sabato, Jr. as his “right-hand man” Lance Parsons. William Katt also appears as Santa Gloria District Attorney Timothy Justice.
10:00 – TEX ARCANA: COWBOY SORCERER. Lee Horsley stars as a mystical gunslinger who uses the forces of magic to bring law and order to the Old West. He is joined by a transplanted New York banker played by Paul Provenza and a mysterious talking horse. In the pilot, they prevent an unscrupulous cattle baron (John Beck) from tearing down a small community church.
You want a positive and uplifting end to the week? Watch the Tony Television Network!!!
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8:00 – OUR WHOLESOME FRONTIER. Tom Wopat and Stephanie Zimbalist star in this heartwarming period drama about the trials and travails of a pioneer family who leave Baltimore and resettle in Angel’s Wing, Utah. Joining parents Jonah and Abigail are their three children, Timothy (Matthew Lawrence), Constance (Angela Featherstone), and Mary (Scarlett Pomers), as well as crusty old Grandpa (R. Lee Ermey). Upon arriving in their new home, they learn valuable life lessons from reformed drunkard Reverend O’Hooley (Reed Diamond), crafty Prospector Bill (John Collum) and cranky Mrs. Applebottom (Sharon Gless).
9:00 – SENIOR SLEUTH. Hal Linden returns to TV as retired psychology professor Randall Peterson, who turns to solving murders to alleviate the boredom of retirement. Florence Henderson stars as his wife, Florence, and Antonio Sabato, Jr. as his “right-hand man” Lance Parsons. William Katt also appears as Santa Gloria District Attorney Timothy Justice.
10:00 – TEX ARCANA: COWBOY SORCERER. Lee Horsley stars as a mystical gunslinger who uses the forces of magic to bring law and order to the Old West. He is joined by a transplanted New York banker played by Paul Provenza and a mysterious talking horse. In the pilot, they prevent an unscrupulous cattle baron (John Beck) from tearing down a small community church.
You want a positive and uplifting end to the week? Watch the Tony Television Network!!!
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Tuesday
Scottish Television
While reading up on British broadcasting policy, I realized that Scotland has its own Channel 3 franchise, to supplement what is offered by the BBC. Unfortunately, they seem to be hurting for Scottish-themed programming, as the bulk of their shows come from the ITV network based in the south of England. I have sought to rectify this imbalance by devising an entire night of pure Scottish Television!
7:00 – 7:30 -- WHOOPSIE, I’VE GOT NAE UNDERPANTS! Billy Connolly hosts this rip-roaring game show, in which young strapping Highland lads must navigate a series of difficult obstacle courses in a kilt. Points are deducted should the contestant accidentally expose himself. The audience can place bets on which contestant will make it to the finish line while still retaining a shred of dignity.
7:30 – 8:00 -- HAGGIS MacBAGPIPES. Sylvester McCoy stars as the crotchety proprietor of an Edinburgh bus tour company, who considers tourists to be the bane of his existence. While not dealing with stereotypical foreigners from around the globe, he has his hands full with his unmarried daughter Morag, played by Shirley Henderson. Also featuring Sheena Easton as Fiona, the company’s sassy tour guide.
8:00 – 8:30 -- THE CAMPBELLS AND THE MacDONALDS. In this hilarious family comedy, two star-crossed lovers, Duncan MacDonald (Alastair MacKenzie) and Hannah Campbell (Dawn Steele) try to bring together their feuding families. With Brian Cox and Susan Hampshire as Hannah’s down-to-earth parents and Nicol Williamson and Phyllida Law as Duncan’s overly-cerebral progenitors. Michael Sheard and Ian McDiarmid face off as the grudge-holding grandfathers. Robbie Coltrane, Graham Crowden, Elspet Gray, Hamish Clark, and Valerie Edmond round out the powerhouse cast.
8:30 – 9:30 -- JAMIE AND JAMIE. In this light-hearted action drama, a female police detective from New York City, Jamie Wolchek (Jami Gertz), becomes a fish out of water when she takes a job as a consultant to the Inverness police. Sexual tensions arise when she meets her new partner, the rugged and outdoorsy Highland cop Jamie Macnaughtan (Tommy Flanagan). John Hannah also stars as the exasperated Detective Chief Inspector Crosby, and featuring Daniela Nardini as the tough and sultry forensic specialist Lorna MacTavish.
9:30 – 10:30 -- CAPTAIN CLAYMORE. Robert Carlyle stars in this romantic period drama, set in the aftermath of the Jacobite Rebellion of 1746, as the dashing and resourceful Captain Claymore. Believed to have been killed during the Battle of Culloden, he raises a ragtag army of misfits to strike back at the Hanoverian butchers. Also starring Kelly MacDonald as his long-suffering love interest Moira, Billy Boyd and Tony Curran as his able-bodied lieutenants, Laura Fraser as the scheming temptress Bess, and Angus MacFadyen as his implacable nemesis Major-General Buchanan.
Scottish Television – More Satisfying Than Stovied Tatties!!!
7:00 – 7:30 -- WHOOPSIE, I’VE GOT NAE UNDERPANTS! Billy Connolly hosts this rip-roaring game show, in which young strapping Highland lads must navigate a series of difficult obstacle courses in a kilt. Points are deducted should the contestant accidentally expose himself. The audience can place bets on which contestant will make it to the finish line while still retaining a shred of dignity.
7:30 – 8:00 -- HAGGIS MacBAGPIPES. Sylvester McCoy stars as the crotchety proprietor of an Edinburgh bus tour company, who considers tourists to be the bane of his existence. While not dealing with stereotypical foreigners from around the globe, he has his hands full with his unmarried daughter Morag, played by Shirley Henderson. Also featuring Sheena Easton as Fiona, the company’s sassy tour guide.
8:00 – 8:30 -- THE CAMPBELLS AND THE MacDONALDS. In this hilarious family comedy, two star-crossed lovers, Duncan MacDonald (Alastair MacKenzie) and Hannah Campbell (Dawn Steele) try to bring together their feuding families. With Brian Cox and Susan Hampshire as Hannah’s down-to-earth parents and Nicol Williamson and Phyllida Law as Duncan’s overly-cerebral progenitors. Michael Sheard and Ian McDiarmid face off as the grudge-holding grandfathers. Robbie Coltrane, Graham Crowden, Elspet Gray, Hamish Clark, and Valerie Edmond round out the powerhouse cast.
8:30 – 9:30 -- JAMIE AND JAMIE. In this light-hearted action drama, a female police detective from New York City, Jamie Wolchek (Jami Gertz), becomes a fish out of water when she takes a job as a consultant to the Inverness police. Sexual tensions arise when she meets her new partner, the rugged and outdoorsy Highland cop Jamie Macnaughtan (Tommy Flanagan). John Hannah also stars as the exasperated Detective Chief Inspector Crosby, and featuring Daniela Nardini as the tough and sultry forensic specialist Lorna MacTavish.
9:30 – 10:30 -- CAPTAIN CLAYMORE. Robert Carlyle stars in this romantic period drama, set in the aftermath of the Jacobite Rebellion of 1746, as the dashing and resourceful Captain Claymore. Believed to have been killed during the Battle of Culloden, he raises a ragtag army of misfits to strike back at the Hanoverian butchers. Also starring Kelly MacDonald as his long-suffering love interest Moira, Billy Boyd and Tony Curran as his able-bodied lieutenants, Laura Fraser as the scheming temptress Bess, and Angus MacFadyen as his implacable nemesis Major-General Buchanan.
Scottish Television – More Satisfying Than Stovied Tatties!!!
Saturday
More Tony Television
Thursday night is home to the Tony Television Network’s most popular shows, featuring America’s most beloved performers! You’ve never seen anything like these gems! Each of these hilarious, heartwarming, and groundbreaking programs is a sweet syndication deal waiting to happen!
8:00 – DIDACTIC WOMEN. Four Boston women (Swoosie Kurtz, Patricia Richardson, Julie Kavner, and Jan Hooks) discuss politics and society while they publish a feminist webzine and ogle their sexy pool boy in this thought-provoking comedy.
8:30 – THE PIRATES OF MEN’S PANTS. Four gay tailors in San Francisco (Richard Benjamin, Jay Thomas, John O’Hurley, and Thomas Hayden Church) learn valuable life lessons as they discuss current events and their dominatrix landlady (Julie Newmar) in this razor-sharp sit-com.
9:00 – THE FUNNY JEW. The hilarious hijinks of young Avram Goldfarb (Liev Schreiber) as he tries to balance his job at New York Bank with the demands of his zany friend Jerzy Krinklestein (French Stewart) and his pawn-shop owner father Herschel (Jerry Stiller) and his matchmaking mother Anna (Anne Meara).
9:30 – EACHIT & DYE. Al Eachit (David Schramm) is a bottom-feeding ambulance-chaser who’ll do anything for money. His new partner, Yul Dye (Dennis Dugan) is a disgraced ethics specialist. Sparks fly when their identical-twin wives convince them to work together.
10:00 – DRAMA CENTER. A flamboyant “has-been” actor (Walter Koenig) teams up with a hard-nosed probation officer (Gerald McRaney) to help a group of troubled inner-city teens deal with their problems through the magic of theater. In the pilot, they save an abandoned movie palace from demolition, which then serves as their headquarters.
Don’t be a social misfit! Watch the Tony Television Network!!!
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8:00 – DIDACTIC WOMEN. Four Boston women (Swoosie Kurtz, Patricia Richardson, Julie Kavner, and Jan Hooks) discuss politics and society while they publish a feminist webzine and ogle their sexy pool boy in this thought-provoking comedy.
8:30 – THE PIRATES OF MEN’S PANTS. Four gay tailors in San Francisco (Richard Benjamin, Jay Thomas, John O’Hurley, and Thomas Hayden Church) learn valuable life lessons as they discuss current events and their dominatrix landlady (Julie Newmar) in this razor-sharp sit-com.
9:00 – THE FUNNY JEW. The hilarious hijinks of young Avram Goldfarb (Liev Schreiber) as he tries to balance his job at New York Bank with the demands of his zany friend Jerzy Krinklestein (French Stewart) and his pawn-shop owner father Herschel (Jerry Stiller) and his matchmaking mother Anna (Anne Meara).
9:30 – EACHIT & DYE. Al Eachit (David Schramm) is a bottom-feeding ambulance-chaser who’ll do anything for money. His new partner, Yul Dye (Dennis Dugan) is a disgraced ethics specialist. Sparks fly when their identical-twin wives convince them to work together.
10:00 – DRAMA CENTER. A flamboyant “has-been” actor (Walter Koenig) teams up with a hard-nosed probation officer (Gerald McRaney) to help a group of troubled inner-city teens deal with their problems through the magic of theater. In the pilot, they save an abandoned movie palace from demolition, which then serves as their headquarters.
Don’t be a social misfit! Watch the Tony Television Network!!!
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Wednesday
Great New TV Spin-Offs
Seeing the phenomenal success of spin-offs like AfterM*A*S*H* and Archie Bunker’s Place, I’ve come up with four can’t-miss shows for next season, bringing back some of America’s favorite characters and examining their lives following the end of their previous series. Each one is a guaranteed ratings-winner!
AfterHomicide – Yaphet Kotto, Daniel Baldwin, and Jon Polito star in this half-hour situation comedy as three ghostly cops who have taken to haunting a Baltimore pub run by retired detective and conspiracy buff John Munch (Richard Belzer). In the first episode, the ghosts decide to help an annoying drunk (played by Barry Levinson) who won’t stop complaining about his washed-up career as a movie director.
The Misadventures of Sheriff Autolycus – Bruce Campbell reprises his famous role as the former Prince of Thieves, now the Sheriff of the Stygian Steppes, in this swashbuckling sword-and-sorcery adventure comedy. Ted Raimi co-stars as his loyal Deputy Joxer, and the late Madeline Kahn also appears as the mysteriously goofy Oracle of Lesbos, thanks to the magic of digital effects.
The X-Briefs – David Duchovny returns as Fox Mulder, who has found a new career as a trial lawyer in order to bring justice to the victims of paranormal phenomena. In the pilot episode, Mulder and his law partner Walter Skinner (Mitch Pileggi) file a class-action suit against the government on behalf of the victims of alien abduction. Special appearance by Gillian Anderson as Mulder’s expert witness, Dr. Dana Scully, and Mimi Rogers as Mulder’s pesky ex-wife, Diana.
Chateau Picard – Patrick Stewart stars as the headstrong French vintner and Starfleet vet Jean-Luc Picard in this comedy/drama set in the late 24th century. With Geneviève Bujold as his love interest, Madame du Clairmont, and Vanessa Paradis as the extradimensional entity known as Mademoiselle Sphynx, who strives to understand human emotions and behavior. In the premiere episode, Picard attempts to stage a production of Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, but ends up having to play all the roles himself.
Look for these sure-fire hits next season on the Tony Television Network!!!
AfterHomicide – Yaphet Kotto, Daniel Baldwin, and Jon Polito star in this half-hour situation comedy as three ghostly cops who have taken to haunting a Baltimore pub run by retired detective and conspiracy buff John Munch (Richard Belzer). In the first episode, the ghosts decide to help an annoying drunk (played by Barry Levinson) who won’t stop complaining about his washed-up career as a movie director.
The Misadventures of Sheriff Autolycus – Bruce Campbell reprises his famous role as the former Prince of Thieves, now the Sheriff of the Stygian Steppes, in this swashbuckling sword-and-sorcery adventure comedy. Ted Raimi co-stars as his loyal Deputy Joxer, and the late Madeline Kahn also appears as the mysteriously goofy Oracle of Lesbos, thanks to the magic of digital effects.
The X-Briefs – David Duchovny returns as Fox Mulder, who has found a new career as a trial lawyer in order to bring justice to the victims of paranormal phenomena. In the pilot episode, Mulder and his law partner Walter Skinner (Mitch Pileggi) file a class-action suit against the government on behalf of the victims of alien abduction. Special appearance by Gillian Anderson as Mulder’s expert witness, Dr. Dana Scully, and Mimi Rogers as Mulder’s pesky ex-wife, Diana.
Chateau Picard – Patrick Stewart stars as the headstrong French vintner and Starfleet vet Jean-Luc Picard in this comedy/drama set in the late 24th century. With Geneviève Bujold as his love interest, Madame du Clairmont, and Vanessa Paradis as the extradimensional entity known as Mademoiselle Sphynx, who strives to understand human emotions and behavior. In the premiere episode, Picard attempts to stage a production of Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, but ends up having to play all the roles himself.
Look for these sure-fire hits next season on the Tony Television Network!!!
Monday
The Tony Television Network
It was Newton Minow who, in 1961, declared television to be a "vast wasteland," an immortal phrase that is just as true now as it was then. However, Mr. Minow may have sung a different tune had he been privileged to view the stunningly original and outrageously envelope-pushing programming on The Tony Television Network!
Saturday night is a cavalcade of stars and a cornucopia of laughs on TTN! Check out our schedule of unbeatable shows, and stay tuned!
8:00 -- BLUE COLLAR MAN. Funnyman Dom Irrera stars as Domenic, a hardworking factory foreman who lives in a lower-middle class suburb with his wife Sandra (Amy Pietz) and their four precocious children. Top commedians Steven Wright and Elaine Boozler also star as their goofy neighbors Clyde and Cha-Cha.
8:30 -- BLACK AND WHITE. Sparks fly when a straight-laced white businessman named John Black (Tim Daly) must share a New York City apartment with a steetwise “jive-talkin’” black man named Scooter White (Shawn Wayans) in this irreverent social satire.
9:00 -- JESUS, MARY & JOSEPH. The place: Nazareth. The time: 15 AD. Average, everyday couple Joseph and Mary (Jere Burns and Nadia Dajani) have their hands full with a teenaged messiah (Cameron Findley). Fyvush Finkel co-stars as Nicodemus in this hilarious look at the generation gap.
9:30 -- MY DARK ANGEL. Based on the popular movie Dark Angel: the Ascent, this urbane comedy examines the life of a Los Angeles physician, Max Barris (Josh Saviano) and his young bride, a former demon from Hell, Veronica Iscariot (Christine Taylor). William Devane co-stars as thorn-in-the-side police captain Harris.
10:00 -- VIOLENCE, INC. Page Fletcher stars as Napoleon Smith in this action-packed adventure show. Smith leads a ragtag band of vigilantes in a cross-country battle with the forces of corruption. Also starring Julius Carry as gun-toting Stretch Johnson, Mark Frankel as handsome Luke West, Erika Eleniak as seductive Jenny McCracken, Adam Wylie as whiz-kid “Brains” Mason, and Robyn Lively as judo-expert Kimberly Bloomfontein. Yvonne Craig co-stars as their secret government contact, Dr. Alysyn Hardcastle. In the pilot episode, they prevent a renegade army colonel (Billy Drago) from unleashing a deadly computer virus.
TTN -- The Best TV Network Ever!!!
Next: More Tony Television!
Saturday night is a cavalcade of stars and a cornucopia of laughs on TTN! Check out our schedule of unbeatable shows, and stay tuned!
8:00 -- BLUE COLLAR MAN. Funnyman Dom Irrera stars as Domenic, a hardworking factory foreman who lives in a lower-middle class suburb with his wife Sandra (Amy Pietz) and their four precocious children. Top commedians Steven Wright and Elaine Boozler also star as their goofy neighbors Clyde and Cha-Cha.
8:30 -- BLACK AND WHITE. Sparks fly when a straight-laced white businessman named John Black (Tim Daly) must share a New York City apartment with a steetwise “jive-talkin’” black man named Scooter White (Shawn Wayans) in this irreverent social satire.
9:00 -- JESUS, MARY & JOSEPH. The place: Nazareth. The time: 15 AD. Average, everyday couple Joseph and Mary (Jere Burns and Nadia Dajani) have their hands full with a teenaged messiah (Cameron Findley). Fyvush Finkel co-stars as Nicodemus in this hilarious look at the generation gap.
9:30 -- MY DARK ANGEL. Based on the popular movie Dark Angel: the Ascent, this urbane comedy examines the life of a Los Angeles physician, Max Barris (Josh Saviano) and his young bride, a former demon from Hell, Veronica Iscariot (Christine Taylor). William Devane co-stars as thorn-in-the-side police captain Harris.
10:00 -- VIOLENCE, INC. Page Fletcher stars as Napoleon Smith in this action-packed adventure show. Smith leads a ragtag band of vigilantes in a cross-country battle with the forces of corruption. Also starring Julius Carry as gun-toting Stretch Johnson, Mark Frankel as handsome Luke West, Erika Eleniak as seductive Jenny McCracken, Adam Wylie as whiz-kid “Brains” Mason, and Robyn Lively as judo-expert Kimberly Bloomfontein. Yvonne Craig co-stars as their secret government contact, Dr. Alysyn Hardcastle. In the pilot episode, they prevent a renegade army colonel (Billy Drago) from unleashing a deadly computer virus.
TTN -- The Best TV Network Ever!!!
Next: More Tony Television!
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