Greetings, my friends. Once again, I, Dr. Zayre, have occasion to say a few words to dispel a most troublesome heresy that has been reported in recent days. I was alerted to this outrage by my illustrious cousin, our Minister of Science and Chief Defender of the Faith, and have taken it upon myself to speak out publicly against it. It would seem that certain Chimpanzee scientists are claiming to have observed humans in the wild fashioning primitive weapons with which to hunt small animals. Let me assure you, this is utter nonsense and ridiculous on the face of it. Man simply does not possess the intellect for such a complex task.
Let us examine the claims of these so-called scientists more closely. Upon a recent expedition to the very edges of the Forbidden Zone, they say they observed adolescent female humans breaking sticks off trees, sharpening one end with their teeth, and then jabbing these makeshift spears into tree hollows in search of small game. Should the stick come out bloodied, the human would attack with more vigor until its prey was extracted.
A fascinating story, and if we could believe it, a frightening one at that. And yet these scientists have provided no definitive proof to support such an extraordinary tale. While they have displayed a few “sharpened” sticks, they have provided not so much as a single photograph of a human engaged in this behavior. Are we merely to take their word for it?
Furthermore, the chief researcher involved, and the main proponent of these claims, is an outspoken advocate of the heresy known as evolution, an insidious theory that contradicts the Sacred Scrolls. What sort of credence can we lend such an ape, who goes against over a thousand years of received wisdom? I say, if such an ape cannot accept the Truth as handed down to us from the Lawgiver, how can we accept the truth of her conclusions?
It is heresy, plain and simple. And a dangerous one, at that. Imagine the terror that would grip our fair city at the mere thought of a horde of human savages brandishing weapons, ready to stab us should we venture beyond a populated area. The violent nature of these animals is well-documented, but they have long been seen as little threat to our civilization, due to the frailty of their forms, the weakness of their muscles, and their lack of the divine spark, what scientists now call “sentience.”
We must call into question the motives of anyone who would seek to frighten us with claims that these harmless animals might one day rise up, creep silently into our homes, and stab us all in our sleep. What do they hope to gain with these scare tactics? Political advantage, no doubt. And a weakening of our moral fiber, which they hope to then exploit for their own gain. The false assertions of these Chimpanzee troublemakers should be silenced before they bear their poisonous fruit.
I urge the President of the National Academy to convene a tribunal to deal with this issue once and for all, so that decent, hardworking apes can rest easy at night.