Tony Television Gets Real

Friday night has traditionally been called the “television graveyard” –- the night only losers stay home and watch the tube. At the Tony Television Network, we prefer to think of them as TV connoisseurs. That’s why we’ve developed these finely-crafted programs to appeal to the most discriminating of tastes. So pour a glass of wine, cut the cheese, and tune in to the Best TV Network Ever!!!

8:00 –- MYSTERIOUS HIDDEN SECRETS OF THE ARCANE. Malcolm McDowell and Jeri Ryan host this fascinating weekly odyssey into the world’s most baffling mysteries. From their ornate and spooky set, they weave a web of reports from their far-flung correspondents and investigators. In the first episode, we learn all about a group of dedicated UFO researchers called The Friends of Gray Barker; discover the shocking truth about the celebrated Patterson Bigfoot film; and see biographical profiles of the scary Satanist Anton LaVey and occult rocket scientist John Whiteside “Jack” Parsons. Plus, musical guest Lisa Loeb rocks the house.

9:00 –- THE PRISONERS. Two unwitting contestants wake up to find themselves stripped of their identities and trapped in a remote resort village in this “Reality TV” show based on the classic 1968 thriller The Prisoner. Nominated by friends and family, the hapless contestants must first discover what’s happened to them and then try to find a way to escape. The only people in “the Village” they can trust are each other, but each starts out unaware of the other’s presence! Can they find each other within a bedeviling maze of betrayal and deceit? Can they overcome the machinations of each week’s sadistic new “Number 2”? Thrill to their exploits in this high-stakes game of identity and perseverance! Next time, it could be you!

10:00 –- WORLD’S CRUELLEST PRACTICAL JOKES. Bad girls Rose McGowan and Lisa Boyle host this rip-roaring “cinema verité” show that really pushes the envelope. In the first episode we take our hidden cameras to a hospital emergency room for all manner of hilarious hijinks, and then top it off with our weekly “Talking Corpse” feature from the palatial Mortando Funeral Chapel. Get in on the wacky fun!

The only TV graveyard now will be for our competitors! Long live TTN !!!

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Browsing Through Hell said...

Mysterious Hidden .. blah blah ... Yet another credulous look into the paranormal. I won't even ask what you're doing featuring a musical guest on this hackneyed chunk of detritus. I didn't like this show when Nimoy hosted it back in the 70s and called it "In Search Of ..." I don't see how McDowell and Ryan agreed to even lend their names to such schlock. It won't last three weeks up against the TGIF lineup at BTH TV.

This show actually has possibilities. It's a shame it will be running up against the 9-10PM block on BTH TV's TGIF juggernaut. I'm curious as to who your host will be. I understand McGoohan scoffed at the concept, and the last I heard you were in negotiations with Bobby Vaughn. Did I hear that right?

Didn't Sci Fi channel do this with Shannen Doherty and Adam Baldwin and call it Scare Tactics?? Or maybe I'm getting it confused with Ashton Kutcher's "PUNK'D on MTV ... Or the Jamie Kennedy Experiment on the WB ... Or MTV's Boiling Point ..? Wanna help me out here? Exactly which show are you shamelessly ripping off? The Olsen Twin's "Doppleganger" on BTH TV will wipe this off your schedule when the initial Nielsen returns come in after the first commercial break.

Tony said...

Like some relentless undead zombie from the television graveyard, BTH continues to plague us with his unaccountable tirades.

Despite his rather lame and desperate comparisons, the three shows on TTN's Friday night schedule are like nothing ever seen in the annals of entertainment. Mr. McDowell and Ms. Ryan literally begged to get this plumb assignment, for MHSOTA is a guaranteed winner against all comers.

As for "The Prisoners," although the talented Mr. McGoohan declined to participate, he wished us success and has had nothing but good things to say about the project. The man is a true professional, and is like a god to us here at the Tony Television Network. We are currently in negotiations with a short list of major stars to headline this show. Expect a major announcement soon.

Again, "World's Cruellest Practical Jokes" is nothing like the litany of losers BTH trots out in his feeble attempt to cast doubt upon TTN's brilliance. This program will at last make "schadenfreude" a household word.

The Olsen twins are so overexposed already that BTH's belief that they will pose any threat to our schedule proves once and for all that he is a "Bizarro" programmer.