Tony Television Strikes Back

The greatest shows on Earth are not under the Big Top, they’re right here on the Tony Television Network! Wednesday nights serve up something for everyone with just the right mix of comedy, action, and drama in four shows the like of which the world has never seen! Stars galore and simply unbeatable concepts spell a night of television paradise! Don’t miss a single minute!

8:00 – RED-HEADED STEPCHILD. A heart-warming laugh-riot in which Daryl Sabara stars as Benjy, a precocious troublemaker who must make a big adjustment when his widowed mom, played by Gillian Anderson, marries a Hollywood studio executive (Lee Tergesen) and he must move in with his “perfect” new siblings, Sean (Nick Carter) and Sarah (Carly Schroeder). In the pilot, Benjy inadvertently brings disaster to his new family’s high-society pool party. Featuring a special appearance by Danny Bonaduce as Benjy’s deceased dad.

8:30 – OBJECTION SUSTAINED. Jeff Altman stars as the world’s worst lawyer, Clyde Daihatsu, in this side-splitting comedy set in Hoboken. With Eamonn Walker as his long-suffering law partner Percy Blue and Jena Malone as Clyde’s on-again-off-again girlfriend Sissy Turkel. In the premiere episode, Clyde faces his greatest challenge when he is called to defend his Japanese half-sisters, played by former Pink Lady stars Keiko Kuwaki and Mitsuyo Tsukuda, from a sausage-smuggling racket.

9:00 – SUBPOENA! Follow the thrilling adventures of a corps of process servers as they tackle big city crime and corruption in this high-energy legal drama. Starring Seth Green as dauntless Mitch Madison and Clarence Williams III as Judge Jefferson J. Adams. Also featuring Jennifer Lien as Mitch’s partner Gretchen Kane, Jeff Phillips as her brother Carlson Kane, Lil’ Romeo as streetwise Capital-T, Esai Morales as computer-whiz Hector Escobar, Jamie Elman as soft-spoken Steve Raysor, Peter Berg as their boss Alan Westfield, and Tiffani Thiessen as rival process server Holly McClain. In the first installment, Mitch and his team must overcome formidable obstacles to serve papers to a corrupt Congressman (Ed Begley, Jr.) before time runs out.

10:00 – NOAA WEATHER RADIO. Kyle Secor leads a powerhouse cast in this gripping drama about the heroic meteorologists who keep our coastal cities safe. Set in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, the show follows the trials and travails, both personal and professional, of Mark Billings (Secor); his co-workers sagacious Arnold Blaze (Graham Greene), hot-tempered Dan O’Leary (Colm Meany), and brainy Julietta Norris (Tracy Scoggins); his no-nonsense boss Jerry Berry (Charles Martin Smith); and his fortune-teller ex-wife Magdalena (Cyndi Lauper).

The Tony Television Network – Accept No Substitutes!!!

Previous: Tony Television Gets Real

Next: Tony Television Triumphs


Browsing Through Hell said...

I'm impressed with your offerings here, but there are a few small issues you've neglected to consider.

Red-Headed Step Child - Nice casting with the kid from Spy Kids. He even has naturally red hair. HOWEVER, you'll need to recast the role of Sarah seeing as Ms. Wood is under exclusive contract with BTH TV for the role of Elizabeth Roberts in the scintillating historical drama "Abraham's Lot" (10-11PM Weds night). Might I suggest Staci Keanan, who is sitting home waiting for a call. Not that any of this matters considering you're up against the BTH TV BLOCKBUSTER smash hit, "Searching for Hope."

Objection Sustained - Obviously you are being blackmailed because that is the only conceivable reason you'd be putting Jeff Altman (?) back on the air in a regular series. Not even Jenna Malone can save this mess. If aliens were to receive an episode of this series via an outerspace transmission, they would exterminate every living thing on our planet. Truly this program must be playing round the clock .. IN HELL!

8-9PM Hour -Not even a contest with BTH TV coming in with almost 100% of American viewers.

Subpoena - Aside from the fact that most people reading the TV Guide won't even know that "subpoena" really means "supeena", I still don't see a program featuring a process server competing against my war-time, ripped-straight-from-the-headlines drama "Holy Orders" over at BTH TV. People are tired of Seth Green, too, and the ladies just can't seem to get enough of Scott Bairstow. I do applaud you, however, for casting Link from Mod Squad, or is CWIII the guy who played Freddy "BoomBoom" washington on Welcome Back Kotter? I always get multi-name african-american actors mixed up.

NOAA - What a laughable effort, pitting Kyle Secor up against BTH TV's biggest ratings cash-cow, Abraham's Lot. A polygamist, child-bride marrying ex-gunslinger up against a lackluster weatherman - and not even a TV meteorologist at that?? Man, things must be very bleak over at Tony TV when you're feeding the likes of Kyle Secor to the programming lions. NOAA strikes me as something you just threw together while you were putting on your pants this morning, for the sole reason of preventing me from sealing the deal with Secor for the part of Ashley Olsen's father in Doppelganger. You may have won this tiny little battle, but I'm running over you like Patton in the ratings war.

Tony said...

As usual, BTH chimes in without doing his homework. First of all, if you want to talk about exclusive contracts, I fear you've a little recasting to do yourself, since Antonio Sabato Jr. has long been under contract to star in TTN's "Senior Sleuth" and Jan Hooks is one of the cornerstones of our "Didactic Women" cast. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. As for Evan Rachel Wood, you'll be hearing from our attorneys.

Jeff Altman's comedic genius has been undervalued for far too long, and TTN is proud to showcase this outstanding performer in our lineup. The tripe BTH has to offer will wither and die faced with our irresistable ratings onslaught.

We doff our hat to BTH as he manages to misread the American viewing audience AND alienate African-American viewers in one paragraph! I'm sorry, what are people tired of? They're tired of a feel-bad war and round-the-clock doom and gloom from the news channels. To think anyone would prefer to watch his depressing detritus instead of our up-tempo hit "Subpoena!" is sheer madness.

"NOAA Weather Radio" will be the greatest character-driven drama since "Room 222" and will bury whatever BTH throws up against it. Kyle Secor thanked us for rescuing him from an uncertain fate when he learned BTH TV sought to catch him in their career-killing clutches.

Clearly, BTH's paranoid delusions are reaching new heights of dementia.

Browsing Through Hell said...

I grudgingly admit my error, and I will willingly recast the roles being played by Sabato, Jr. and Hooks. In the spirit of fairness, however, I will ask that you do the same with Ms. Wood, who is understandably HORRIFIED at the prospect of slumming it on a sacchariney sweet sitcom.

The casting changes will appear at by the end of the business day. I would expect my honorable competition to do likewise. Please let us conduct ourselves as gentlemen, and do not force me to call in Mr. Ovitz.

Tony said...

We at the Tony Television Network can well afford to be magnanimous, and since we have access to more stars than the Hubble space telescope, we will grant our friends at BTH TV this boon. After all, they did ask nicely.