Tony Television Triumphs

Nobody does it better than the Tony Television Network –- as our triumphant Tuesday night schedule proves beyond a reasonable doubt! Four all-new, all-different, can’t-be-missed shows that will change the face of entertainment for all time! Comedy, action, excitement, and drama await you every Tuesday night on TTN! You’ll kill yourself if you miss it!

8:00 -- RECIPE FOR DISASTER. Robert Wuhl stars as Julian Cooke, the host of a TV cooking show whose hilariously disastrous private life contrasts with his sophisticated on-air persona. Co-starring Steve Guttenberg as his long-suffering producer/director and best friend Jared Bigelow. The pair is frequently harried by Cooke’s elegant wife Cecilia (Kim Myers) and her hell-raising sister Greer (Lolita Davidovich), as well as their bumbling production manager Alfie (Brent Hinkley). Rounding out the crackerjack cast are Dana Ashbrook and Daphne Ashbrook as Cooke’s bickering newlywed neighbors, the Prescotts.

8:30 -- SAME OLD KRAPP. In this knee-slapping comedy, Ray Wise stars as crusty antiques dealer Ed Krapp, whose quest for peace and quiet is continually derailed by his wife Claire (Jane Krakowski), a psychic who gets uproarious “readings” from the items in their shop, as well as by his persnickety chief buyer Hugh Huffley (Christian Clemenson) and his philosophical, ever-present plumber Ernie (Ernie Hudson). In the premiere, Krapp’s attempt to take a mid-afternoon nap is frustrated when Claire “reads” a disco ball that once belonged to Huffley’s high-school sweetheart and threatens to reveal embarrassing details about his past.

9:00 -- RELUCTANT HERO. Neil Patrick Harris plays Adam Arkon, a mild-mannered philosophy professor who discovers he is a genetically-engineered superman when his creator, Dr. Isaac Weaver (Hector Elizondo), escapes from a scientific-research-slave-labor-camp run by evil extraterrestrials. The cruel alien leaders, Xotran (Michael Ironside) and Krylla (Frances Fisher), have unleashed their army of shape-shifting clones to conquer the earth, and only Adam’s superhuman skills can find them and stop them. But can he leave behind his beautiful wife Ellie (Jennifer Blanc), his adoptive father Joseph (John Savage), and his life in academia? No, and that’s where the excitement begins! Co-starring Richard Beymer as the chair of Adam’s philosophy department and Wes Studi as his merciless nemesis Zoktorr the Mercenary.

10:00 -- SAND TRAPS. In this exciting drama, Valarie Rae Miller plays Janet Sand, an ATF agent who goes undercover as a golf pro at an exclusive golf course run by mobster Frank Fellini, played by David Marciano. As Agent Sand tries to get the goods on Fellini without blowing her cover, she must deal with the mobster’s scheming wife Felicia (Callie Thorne), his chief enforcer “Steel-Eyes” Stryker (Jeff Kober) and suspicious rival golf pro Teddy Buckley (Tim Ryan). Her life is further complicated by her terminally-ill sister Georgia (Lisa Nicole Carson) and a dangerous love affair with local police detective Ben Warfield (James Marshall).

The Tony Television Network –- Ask For It By Name!!!

Previous: Tony Television Strikes Back!

Next: Tony Television Scores Big!


Browsing Through Hell said...

Nobody does it BETTER than the Tony Television Network??

Listen, a roomful of chimps banging away on a roomful of IBM Selectrixes could turn out better programming than this pandering mishmash of hackneyed concepts and contrived characters.

Recipe for Disaster - Your title says it all, my poorly misguided friend. Robert Wuhl?? We're taling Newbomb Turk here. Arliss. And you're recasting him as Emerill?? Um, Tony, Emerill was cancelled after the first commercial break during the first episode. One week it drew a share of 0. That means that mathematically NO ONE was watching the show in the entire US. And now you want to dredge up its remains from the toxic wastedump swamp of failed star-vehicles and refoist it off upon the American public with Guttenberg pulling down a costarring credit? Are you trying to land yourself before of a war crimes tribunal at the World Court? Because that's where you're heading with this "dirty bomb" of sitcom. Honestly, I consider a Wuhl/Guttenberg pairing as both a crime against humanity AND a crime against nature. Next your going to be resurrecting "Charlie Lawrence" and recasting Nathan Lane's part to Tony Danza. And while you're at it, why don't you reinvent The Charmings, too. The truly alarming aspect of this whole matter, however, is the fact that you're pitting this offal up against "Carly!" on BTH TV. Does Tony TV not have a board of directors who can vote to remove you and stop the insanity? Egads man, do you have no shame?

Same Old Krapp - You're pulling my leg with this, right? Ray Wise?? The poor man's William Devane, without the permanent smile. Paired up with cartoon-face Jane K. from Ally McBeal. Then you have the CRUELTY to cast the brilliant Ernie Hudson in this skidmark on the underwear of primetime TV. Meanwhile, "Authors" on BTH TV completes the Tuesday night ratings sweep for the 8-9 hour. Truly a dark day in the annals of network televion. Fortunately, it is impossible to sink any lower than this as far as scheduling.

Reluctant Hero - I spoke to soon. Doogie Howser, Great American Hero - with a little of Buck Henry's old Mr. Terrific to boot. This show is so horrific that it's very existence might just qualify its creator to be deemed as Satan incarante. Yes, I'm serious. If you actually air this abomination, religious leaders around the globe will begin citing its mere existence as proof that you are indeed The Man of Perdition, Mr. 666 himself, the antichrist. What other motivation could inspire the creation of such an abysmal atrocity? Are you forgetting that BTH TV's titillating Tuesday tandem of "2-to-1" and "Larger than Life" dominates this hotly-contested timeslot. Why don't you just air a test pattern between 9-10 if this is all you can come up with?

Sand Traps - Finally, a show that isn't an affront to the entire human race. You might have something here. I mean .. wait. It's on up against STILETTO on BTH TV. That would be Charisma Carpenter! As a social worker turned Avenging Angel!! A show that's already being hailed as better than Buffy and Dark Angel combined. How ironic that one of Dark Angel's own bright lights - Ms. Miller - is being sacrificed to the ratings juggernaut that is "Stiletto!" Please, for the love of God, move this interesting show to another night on your schedule.

Tony said...

I thought I heard the jangle of chains and the rustling of straightjackets, and sure enough, our topsy-turvy friend, Mr. BTH, clearly in the grip of another manic episode, has seen fit to bless us with more of his incomprehensible rantings and ravings.

Before I attempt to respond to the baffling illogic of his lunatic opinions, I feel duty-bound as a lover of the English language to point out that the proper term is "Selectrices," and not whatever linguistic mutilation he typed.

Now, to begin with, there are two reasons that "Emeril" was canceled. First, it featured Emeril and not a brilliant comic actor like Robert Wuhl. Second, it was not on the Tony Television Network, where we know how to run shows! The proven track records of Mr. Wuhl and Mr. Guttenberg virtually guarantee a blockbuster smash-hit runaway success, no matter what inanity is offered up by our desperate competitors. The only other thing you say here that makes the slightest bit of sense is your call for a vehicle showcasing Tony Danza's talents as a song-and-dance man. I can see it now: by night, he's a nightclub crooner –- by even later at night, he's a private investigator. A tough customer with a sensitive side, in the Frank Sinatra mold, he stars in a thrilling mystery drama set in the early 1950s and titled "In the Wee Small Hours." Stick THAT in your "war crimes tribunal!"

For your information, Mr. Hudson informed us upon signing his contract that the pilot script for "Same Old Krapp" was the first one in years to make him laugh out loud. Everyone involved is thrilled to work with this master of the craft, who is poised to create one of the most beloved characters since Art Carney’s "Ed Norton." And Ray Wise is the poor man's nobody, but the treasure of any television producer. By disparaging this show's spectacular cast, BTH only proves that its premise is beyond reproach.

It truly perplexes me that BTH seems to think the perfidiously perverse and pornographic programming he's pushing on an unsuspecting public will prevail over a peerless crowd-pleaser like "Reluctant Hero." Our extensive focus-group testing has proven beyond any doubt that this will be a ratings bonanza the like of which has never been seen before. If a foaming-at-the-mouth raving maniac like BTH is moved to such blasphemous levels of hatred for our show, we must be on the right track! Let me just say, however, that we at the Tony Television Network are honored to be considered in the same company as the legendary Buck Henry, whose list of television masterpieces should be glorified forever.

BTH's frenzy must have abated, since even he cannot deny the stroke of sheer genius that our "Sand Traps" is. However, we are sorry to disillusion him with the inescapable truth that his juvenile T&A fest will be quickly buried in the ratings against this unstoppable hit. Unlike our talented cast, Charisma Carpenter has little to offer above the sternum and will soon be lucky to score a photo spread in "Femme Fatales" magazine. Ratings juggernaut? Against "Sand Traps," his show will have all the force of a baby's sneeze.

We at the Tony Television Network sincerely hope that BTH starts taking his medications again real soon, so that he will come to see the folly of his continuing to insist that his shows are any match for the gems on display at TTN!

JB said...

On the other hand, Tony, you could start linking the actors' names to imdb just to further point out the highs (if any) and the lows of the varied careers... And checking the links might actually save you from the embarassment of casting someone who is (gasp!) actually working at the time.

As for Recipe for Disaster, at least Robert Wuhl is an actor... Emeril's failure is most likely due in whole to the fact that Emeril Lagasse was the star... This is the man who said that he created the show "Essence of Emeril" so that he could do an unscripted program; having done a couple of unheard of, and apparently scripted, cooking shows.

Tony said...

We've thought about linking the names of our actors to the the Internet Movie Database, but it seemed like a lot of extra work that really is unnecessary, since, unlike our competitors, the Tony Television Network only casts America's Favorite Stars and Starlets (TM)! We also didn't want to embarrass anyone with the sub-par projects they may have done before coming to TTN.

JB said...

Does Wes Studi really count as available? It seems that the Robert Redford adaptations of the Tony Hillerman novels keep coming out about one a year.. and IMDB does show him involved in three projects including a TV mini-series.

Tony said...

The Tony Television Network is such a powerful force in Hollywood that if an actor does not appear in the opening credits of a show on the air right now, we consider them available. Occasional feature film projects and the like are easy to schedule around. Most actors would do just about anything to be featured in one of our hit shows.

Browsing Through Hell said...

JB, I must advise you take anything and everything that Tony says with the proverbial grain of salt. If you truly want to learn about the ins and outs of fantasy TV programming, I suggest you consult the schedule over at BTH TV - . There you will find the true inspirations and innovations that are re-inventing the way America watches TV.