Tony Television Scores Big

Monday night has long been considered a lost cause for any TV network unable to slake America’s relentless thirst for football. That is about to change, however, as the Tony Television Network at last unveils its Monday masterpieces! In the ratings war, we play to win, and nothing that lives, breathes, or moves can resist the sexiest, most scintillating, unforgettably sensational shows that TTN has to offer! Prepare for a night of life-changing television entertainment!

8:00 – THERE’S ONE IN EVERY FAMILY. RuPaul Charles stars as Sasha, a flamboyant Black homosexual transvestite who moves in with his button-down half-brother Sam (Martin Donovan) and his lilywhite suburban family. Will Sam’s prim churchgoing wife Margot (Jessica Steen) be tempted by Sasha’s fabulous wardrobe? Will Sam’s mother Gwen (Barbara Barrie) come out of the closet and admit she’s a liberal? Will cable-news-junkie Uncle Ralph (Steve Landesberg) ever feel comfortable again? Will high-school-age daughter Nan (Rachel Skarsten) and ‘tween son Ronny (Cameron Bright) learn valuable life lessons from Sasha each and every week? Tune in to this hilarious life-affirming comedy and find out!

8:30 – SPACE HAREM. In this sexy sci-fi romp, Tia Carrere plays Jixy, the smart and sassy head of an intergalactic sultan’s outer-space harem. Cavorting, conniving, and cat-fighting is the order of the day as Jixy rules her roost. Featuring Lisa Jakub as the mercurial youngest member, Solara; Michele Lintel as a sizzling Saturnian named Mazzy; Joy Bryant as the Venusian vixen Tora; Eva Mendes as the nubile Neptunian Osha; Paige Peterson as Temptra of Planet X; and Rubén Blades as Sultan Zandak the Magnificent. In the premiere episode, the girls conspire with the befuddled vizier Nuff (Max Gail) and the harem’s no-nonsense guard Zolt (Ron Canada) to meet the visiting Queen of the Galaxy (special guest Julie Strain).

9:00 – SAYONARA YAKUZA. Thrill to the explosive exploits of Mei, a beautiful ninja assassin, played by Tamlyn Tomita, who tries to flee her life of crime by moving to Seattle. Unfortunately, the cold-hearted crime boss Mr. Honda (George Takei) won’t let her go, and sends his father-daughter hit squad (Ken Watanabe and Chiaki Kuriyama) to track her down and kill her. While trying to protect herself and her gruff, elderly father (Sonny Chiba), Mei falls in love with a brash martial arts instructor, Jeff (Jason Scott Lee) and befriends his older sister Pam (Rosalind Chao). Things go from bad to worse when Mei’s frequent battles with a bounty hunter called Spades (Regina King) attracts the attention of a dogged police detective (Brian Wimmer) and his harried supervisor (Peter Gerety). There’s action galore in this high-energy drama!

10:00 – BIZARRE FANTASY. The year is 1952 and Katie, a struggling young actress played by Alison Lohman, becomes involved in the kinky world of the small-time fetish magazine Bizarre Fantasy, run by the disreputable Irwin Clodhopper (Pruitt Taylor Vince) and his harridan mother Glynis (Cloris Leachman). Befriending two of the other models, the streetwise Amanda (Tiffany Shepis) and the withdrawn Sally (Heather McComb), Katie tries to navigate the bewildering universe she has stumbled into. Featuring Maury Chaykin as chief photographer Elwyn Clodhopper; Elina Löwensohn as Tasha, the magazine’s imperious production manager and bondage expert; Michael Dorn as the sympathetic maintenance man Paul; Natasha Gregson Wagner as the strung-out model Madeline; Stacy Haiduk as Katie’s nemesis, the magazine’s sharp-tongued top model Betty Sue; Bo Svenson as nightclub owner Gareth Swain, Katie’s “guardian angel;” and Masuimi Max as the mysterious model known only as Mojo.

The Tony Television Network – Resistance is Useless!!!

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JB said...

I think Michael Powell's head would explode, well at least his mailbox would, if "Bizarre Fantasy" was on broadcast TV...

Tony said...

"Bizarre Fantasy" is a high-class character-driven drama! There will be no "wardrobe malfunctions" to offend the delicate sensibilities of the FCC. The Tony Television Network would never stoop to using such tawdry T&A tactics just to drum up some ratings points!