Scottish Television

While reading up on British broadcasting policy, I realized that Scotland has its own Channel 3 franchise, to supplement what is offered by the BBC. Unfortunately, they seem to be hurting for Scottish-themed programming, as the bulk of their shows come from the ITV network based in the south of England. I have sought to rectify this imbalance by devising an entire night of pure Scottish Television!


7:00 – 7:30 -- WHOOPSIE, I’VE GOT NAE UNDERPANTS! Billy Connolly hosts this rip-roaring game show, in which young strapping Highland lads must navigate a series of difficult obstacle courses in a kilt. Points are deducted should the contestant accidentally expose himself. The audience can place bets on which contestant will make it to the finish line while still retaining a shred of dignity.

7:30 – 8:00 -- HAGGIS MacBAGPIPES. Sylvester McCoy stars as the crotchety proprietor of an Edinburgh bus tour company, who considers tourists to be the bane of his existence. While not dealing with stereotypical foreigners from around the globe, he has his hands full with his unmarried daughter Morag, played by Shirley Henderson. Also featuring Sheena Easton as Fiona, the company’s sassy tour guide.

8:00 – 8:30 -- THE CAMPBELLS AND THE MacDONALDS. In this hilarious family comedy, two star-crossed lovers, Duncan MacDonald (Alastair MacKenzie) and Hannah Campbell (Dawn Steele) try to bring together their feuding families. With Brian Cox and Susan Hampshire as Hannah’s down-to-earth parents and Nicol Williamson and Phyllida Law as Duncan’s overly-cerebral progenitors. Michael Sheard and Ian McDiarmid face off as the grudge-holding grandfathers. Robbie Coltrane, Graham Crowden, Elspet Gray, Hamish Clark, and Valerie Edmond round out the powerhouse cast.

8:30 – 9:30 -- JAMIE AND JAMIE. In this light-hearted action drama, a female police detective from New York City, Jamie Wolchek (Jami Gertz), becomes a fish out of water when she takes a job as a consultant to the Inverness police. Sexual tensions arise when she meets her new partner, the rugged and outdoorsy Highland cop Jamie Macnaughtan (Tommy Flanagan). John Hannah also stars as the exasperated Detective Chief Inspector Crosby, and featuring Daniela Nardini as the tough and sultry forensic specialist Lorna MacTavish.

9:30 – 10:30 -- CAPTAIN CLAYMORE. Robert Carlyle stars in this romantic period drama, set in the aftermath of the Jacobite Rebellion of 1746, as the dashing and resourceful Captain Claymore. Believed to have been killed during the Battle of Culloden, he raises a ragtag army of misfits to strike back at the Hanoverian butchers. Also starring Kelly MacDonald as his long-suffering love interest Moira, Billy Boyd and Tony Curran as his able-bodied lieutenants, Laura Fraser as the scheming temptress Bess, and Angus MacFadyen as his implacable nemesis Major-General Buchanan.


Scottish Television – More Satisfying Than Stovied Tatties!!!