There’s been some controversy in astrological circles since scientists pointed out that the stars have significantly shifted since the zodiac was first described many centuries ago. Certain parties have even suggested revisions, including new signs and symbols, to bring astrology back in line with astronomy. These ideas have been largely rejected by the purveyors of traditional horoscopes. However, such problems are unavoidable when trying to reconcile a static system rooted in tradition with the chaotic, ever-changing universe surrounding the Planet Earth. These inconsistencies will only worsen with time, especially as science increases our understanding of the true nature of outer space.
Therefore, perhaps the time has come to abandon the well-worn zodiac, with its curious menagerie of animals, chimera, people, and inanimate objects. A much more reliable system can be devised using instead the various mystical powers invoked by Marvel Comics’ resident Sorcerer Supreme, Doctor Strange. Not tied to the physical universe we can observe through telescopes, this system cannot be so easily debunked.
In order to be as helpful as possible, I have prepared a sample horoscope using this new mystical cosmology. I’m sure you will find its words of advice to be eerily relevant to your own life!
CYTORRAK
March 21—April 20
You may feel like you’re stuck with some pretty tough restraints, but this doesn’t mean you should be seeing red. Constraints are not always a bad thing, for often they force you to be more creative. In the end, you may find yourself being more effective than if you had been free to barrel ahead like a juggernaut.
Element: Air
Energy: Male
POHLDAHK
April 21—May 20
If you’re feeling a bit like a charlatan, there may be a reason for it. Perhaps you need to polish your skills so you can reach the level of success you desire. You can’t be an in-betweener about it, though. It requires commitment.
Element: Earth
Energy: Female
FALTINE
May 21—June 20
If you think you’ve been a bit too hot-headed lately, this may be a good time to step back and make some long-range plans. Family can often help with this process, but they can just as often be an impediment, so be careful. However, don’t take so long that you lose the fire in your belly; it’s the source of your strength.
Element: Fire
Energy: Male
MUNNOPOR
June 21—July 22
When life starts making you feel like you’re trapped in a maze, take a moonlit stroll and make a list of 12 things you hope to accomplish. You may find it illuminating.
Element: Water
Energy: Female
HOGGOTH
July 23—August 22
You’re not alone, so be ready if a helping hand must be given or accepted. Your wealth of experience will make you a most valuable team player, especially when the path ahead seems unclear.
Element: Air
Energy: Male
OSHTUR
August 23—September 22
You’ll be able to accomplish anything you set your mind to if you trust in yourself. Aim for the skies, and you’ll soon feel right at home. A keen eye and a steady hand will help you hit the target, so take good care of yourself. Remember, there’s no such thing as “too smart.”
Element: Earth
Energy: Female
AGAMOTTO
September 23—October 22
You have a vision of your current project, and no one can see it as clearly as you. Trust your own innate wisdom and let your mental “third eye” guide you. You don’t need a crystal ball to know where you need to direct your energies. Whether you see yourself as a lion or a caterpillar, you can be a leader.
Element: Fire
Energy: Male
IKONN
October 23—November 21
Don’t be fooled by imitations, and accept no substitutes, especially when it comes to friendship. People may try to get the better of you, but you can see right through them. Watch how the phonies fade away when you start calling them out for their deceptions.
Element: Water
Energy: Female
WATOOMB
November 22—December 21
A breezy manner and a light, effervescent personality may be your best defense when storms blow up, as they inevitably do. Remember, the right attitude can accomplish more than any magic wand.
Element: Air
Energy: Male
RAGGADORR
December 22—January 20
If someone is raining on your parade, you don’t need to go over to the dark side. A sudden change of direction may be all that’s needed, and you’ll soon be running rings around your competitors.
Element: Earth
Energy: Female
NIRVALON
January 21—February 19
Things can seem pretty dark at times, and others may be counting on you to light the way. However, you can accomplish much more working with your significant other than you’ll ever be able to do by yourself. Help each other to be knights in shining armor.
Element: Fire
Energy: Male
VALTORR
February 20—March 20
When life gets murky, it can be hard to tell right from wrong. Watch out for the snake-in-the-grass who comes in friendship but means to lead you astray, and, more importantly, make sure you’re not the viper in someone else’s bosom.
Element: Water
Energy: Female
In the name of the Venerated, Everlasting Vishanti, so mote it be!
