Sunday

Dr. Zayre - 1

Greetings. I am Dr. Zayre. Perhaps you mistook me for my more famous cousin. Heh, heh. I understand. We are, after all, cut from the same cloth. I would like to settle a very foolish question that has been going around of late, for I feel it falls to those of us possessed of the faculty of wisdom to enlighten those beneath us. Some heretical elements have been questioning the wisdom of our great Lawgiver in his decision to entrust the military establishment to the Gorillas while directing the Chimpanzees into the halls of academia. They argue that it is self-evident that Chimpanzees are, and have always been, more aggressive and warlike than Gorillas, even in the most primitive days of pre-history. And Gorillas, they add, have long been known for their pacifistic natures. Thus, the Lawgiver’s decree seems paradoxical. But I say to you, this is precisely the point, my children.

The Lawgiver, in his infinite wisdom, ensured that ape society would never suffer the hardships of unnecessary war by entrusting our defense with those who would by their very natures avoid strife whenever possible. And when no other option remained, the tremendous strength and massive brawn of the Gorilla would surely carry the day. Thus, the lowly and savage Baboon hordes have been kept at bay and our cities remain safe.

In like fashion, the innate aggression of the Chimpanzee has been channeled in a positive direction, to the benefit of society, by having it yoked to the millstone of scientific enquiry. The fierce debates that rage within the halls of academe, the scholars’ often hysterical screechings carrying for miles across the landscape, allow for the expression and release of this energy without resorting to barbarous displays of brute force or wanton chaos and destruction, as was too common among our savage ancestors. The Chimpanzee can thereby be a useful member of society despite his innate shortcomings.

I am happy to say, however, that there is no contention on the point of the Lawgiver’s having charged we the Orangutans with the administration of society, for our solitary and contemplative natures allow us to develop the wisdom necessary for such an awesome responsibility. One shudders to imaging the chaos that would ensue should the reins of government be handed over to a platoon of slow-witted militaristic Gorillas or a pack of hysterically argumentative Chimpanzees.

All praise to the Lawgiver!


Furthermore...

Tuesday

Jawiweyabipajis

When I was a kid, one of my favorite games was devising codes. I always thought this one was pretty much unbreakable, though the key to it lies in the lyric below. Like the poem, the code itself is called Jawiweyabipajis (“jaw-wee-wee-yabba-pay-jiss”). I devised it in 1988. Best wishes to any and all codebreakers out there. It’s also fun to try to read it out loud, as a magic spell or an alien diatribe. It’s a language all its own.


Jawiweyabipajis

uiejit weats eh aney plinoo noh
sixoejit jinoh umop hej zinif noh ji
buihilj auejidojae ue aney plinoo noh
xoeq hixs anijiq jinoh buijiq noh ji
aw jileo si op noh jile
paau noh buiyitihue aq jili

jaddip biq eh aney plinoo noh
spuaq ayit punoje jile umop u din uiob
uidwinq jao jadwinq eh aney plinoo noh
spua janau tuawasinwe siyt

Jawiweyabipajis jinoh aq euuem i
aweu hiw jileo noh tuop hym
Jawiweyabipajis jinoh aq aw taj yo
huowizat hiw aq jilim siyt

abeotinjij jinoh punoj aw moys
aaq hauoy jinoh aq jilim i soo
abeotinjij jinoh din uado
aq ueo se taams se si tinjij ayt ajaym

Jawiweyabipajis jinoh aq euuem i
aweu hiw jileo noh tuop hym
Jawiweyabipajis ayt jileo jattaq noh

zaj te puiwi jinoh tind
Jawiweyabipajis ayt aq euuob wi
huowizat hiw aq ueo siyt
Jawiweyabipajis jinoh wi
ti tinoqe tiqinop ou aq ajayt taj

Jawiweyabipajis abipajis abipajis

tikey ayt paxoix ani
uixs hiw pays
jijinz mau ayt si siyt
ui buiouep awoo i
aw joj moys noh tuom yo
noh joj moys jilim i
noh joj moys
noh joj moys jilim i
noh ueaw op i
noh hijuo
yibinojyt buiwoo uaaq annoh
jamod teyt pijinq euuob
mod jamod teyt din pijinq pijinq
wythyj ayt buipaaj uaaq ani
wythyj ayt buipaaj uaaq ani
mod noh ui pijinq jamod teyt jaaj euuob
op aw dijay uo awoo uo awoo
op aw dijay uo awoo uo awoo
noh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
wythyj ayt buipaaj uaaq ani
wythyj ayt buipaaj uaaq ani
buiop buiop ajam teym sti
tybiu pue hep jile
op aw dijay uo awoo uo awoo
op aw dijay uo awoo uo awoo
noh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah